Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

“I lost my marbles!” Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber.

“Josh! Clint! Armitage! You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!” he pleaded, now in complete hysterics.

Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life. And his prized marbles–housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials–are known to friends and family alike as ‘off limits’.

We talked to some of Gary’s compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later.

“We haven’t been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus,” one searcher said cheerily. “Even though half these guys think they’re on their way to a frat party, we don’t care–as long as Gary finds his marbles.”

As the night wore on, one friend, in apparent exasperation at the mob’s waning fervor, ran to the front to remind them of their united cause.

“This isn’t the first time Gary’s lost his marbles! And this won’t be the last time either! But dad gummit, we’re going to find Gary’s exceedingly white marbles if it’s the last thing we do!” Clint said, raising his Hobby Lobby tiki torch to the sky.

A few were overheard quietly complaining that this wouldn’t have taken all night if they had brought real flashlights instead of torches stolen from Phi Beta Kappa. Apparently Gary, who had spent the previous two years in England, forgot that a torch doesn’t mean the same thing in America.