Local introvert, Phil Koff, has a big grin pasted on the inside of his face whenever he hears someone remind him to keep a safe “social distance”.
“It’s like reminding me to act normal,” Mr. Koff said with a wry gleam in his eye. “It’s like telling a duck to quack. It’s like telling a cheetah to run really fast. ‘Now, cheetie, don’t forget to run as fast as you can when chasing that antelope. Apparently, all I have are animal metaphors.”
According to official health entities, “social distancing” is defined as the reduction of human social interaction in an effort to prevent the spread of infectious disease. Officials are encouraging everyone to practice this whenever possible.
“You want us to crawl into a deep dark hermit hole and not talk to or see anyone for possibly months? No problem. We should be getting some kind of award or public recognition (not too public, mind you).”
Newspapers and “experts” around the globe have been scrambling to teach extroverts about this completely foreign concept. Yet questions still remain. Kaitlyn Tiffany, writing for The Atlantic, asks: “If I have a fourth date tonight, do I go? If I’m invited to a wedding in two weeks in another state, is it too late to cancel? If we’re on lockdown, and I live alone, can I walk to my friend’s apartment when I feel sad? If I end up officially quarantined, can I walk around the park at night for some fresh air?”
“Kaitlyn Tiffany (two first names, by the way), you’re asking the wrong questions. It’s more like, ‘You mean I actually have a valid reason to cancel on EVERYONE?!’ Amazing.”
“Oh, I thought of some more: It’s like telling a tiny bunny to be cute. It’s like telling a cat to be aloof (I love cats). It’s like telling a telling a sloth to slow down. It’s like…”
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