Tag: sports

Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried
20Aug By jeff15 Comments
Sports

Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried

Richard Head stumbled on a football match last Saturday and was fairly unimpressed. "Meh," he said to himself as he grabbed another beer. "I could do that." His longtime girlfriend, Emily, nodded and said, "Mhmm." "Please," he rebutted, "run around and kick a ball into a huge net? Easy." Richard recalled his early days when he was strong, coordinated, and 20 years younger. He dominated neighborhood pickup games and was consistently called "fairly athletic for his size" by multiple people. "Hey, I played in college, remember?" he continued, disturbed by Emily's skepticism. "You played DURING college, Richard," she replied. "Playing on a men's team while you were in college is not the same as playing collegiate sports. There's a huge difference. And now you're saying you ...
Read More
USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks
24Apr By jeff25 Comments
Sports

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

The United States Men's National Soccer Team is beefing up their defensive strategy in preparations for the 2018 World Cup. By building better walls. The proposition by the current president, Donald Trump, to build a 2,000 mile border wall in between Mexico and the United States has become a source of inspiration to many, including Coach Gary Arenas. "We're trying to make the American team great again," Coach Arenas revealed.  "And that's going to happen by building walls. Big, yugemoungous walls are going to keep soccer balls out and keep us in the hunt for the World Cup." According to the team, they have had too many encroachments around their 20-yard box thus instigating the need for a defensive change. "We usually put about four or five guys together to block a free kick...
Read More
Cleveland Browns Suggest ‘Personal Best’ Bowl Once in a While
18Feb By jeff20 Comments
Sports

Cleveland Browns Suggest ‘Personal Best’ Bowl Once in a While

In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system. Mr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty. So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog. “It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymo...
Read More
Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight
15May By jeff10 Comments
Sports

Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight

The Tampa Bay Rays played the Seattle Mariners yesterday and, at one point in the game, things got ugly. Then they got awkward. In the fourth inning, with one man on and two out, the Rays pitcher, David Price, faced Corey Hart.  Earlier in the game, Price had already brushed Hart off the plate and it didn't look like he was going to go easy on him this time around either. The two benches, sensing something was up, stood to their feet in anticipation. And sure enough, on the next pitch, Price beamed Hart right in the shoulder as Hart turned to avoid the incoming ball. Before you could say, The Cubs will never win the World Series in a million lifetimes because they are still under a curse that the baseball gods in all their infinite baseball wisdom have yet to lift, the two benches wer...
Read More
Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals
15Jun By jeff24 Comments
Sports

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

MIAMI—A Dallas man was arrested yesterday after Miami police discovered that he had kidnapped and then impersonated Heat star Lebron James during the NBA Finals against the Mavericks earlier this month in what has to be the wildest scheme ever to help the Mavs achieve basketball glory. Apparently it worked. Detectives who opened the case said that they were tipped off by suspicious activity during games four, five, and six of the championship series. “Something was definitely hinkey,” reported Miami detective Jack Emup. “We watched all the games at the station, and we knew something was wrong, but we never would’ve suspected this.” According to police, the man they apprehended played college ball on a division one team, underwent facial reconstructive surgery, and even got the ...
Read More