satire – Page 9 – Iron E-News

12May

By jeff25 Comments

Society

Poll: ‘Your Mom’ is Still Funny

According to a survey conducted by the American Research Society, thirty-something-year old men all over the world are still responding randomly to questions with the phrase, "your mom". And finding it funny. Even after decades of usage, and even after research has shown it to be nearly impossible for "your mom" to be an adequate or appropriate answer to every question, it hasn't seemed to grow tired or old. For example, "What is two times two?" "Your mom." (we know to be incorrect because it's usually four) Or, "What was Einstein's inspiration for the theory of relativity?" "Your mom." (we also know to be untrue since your mom isn't a day over 30) "This juvenile response," the Society reported, "similar to 'bathroom' humor, has amazing comedic resiliency among actual ...

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

10May

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

The teeth speak for themselves. With oil-pulling all the rage now as a teeth-whitener and cleaner, area man Jonas Naughtbright (brother of Eric Naughtbright) prefers to keep things old school. "Jonas has had discoloration of the teeth for years now," revealed his doctor. "It's a serious issue. Yes, of course, he's in a coma to be sure. But, man, you should've seen his teeth a month ago." According to his brother, Jonas saw immediate improvement just one day after using household bleach. "What might take you weeks or months to accomplish with oil-pulling or strips," Eric commented, "Jonas accomplished in 24 hours. His teeth are ivory white--no, wait, toilet seat white." As soon as he comes out of his coma, Jonas is determined to brand his homemade recipe and break into th...

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

6May

By jeff25 Comments

U.S.

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

The Food and Drug Administration has issued their approval for a radical new medication that comprehensively solves the sleep disorder known as insomnia. Incidentally, it has also helped solve a number of other unforeseen issues - like the need to ever to wake up again. Initial tests of the drug on human subjects have shown an unprecedented 100% success rate as the subjects have each enjoyed a very, very long rest. According to inside sources, they are still out cold. "Man, this drug really works," a test subject's spouse offered enthusiastically. "After taking one pill, my Tim was sleeping like an angel. And nothing could wake him up either. We're finally gonna get our beauty sleep." Eli Lilly and Company, best known for manufacturing Secobarbital, has begun ramping up pro...

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

2May

By jeff14 Comments

Sports

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

It appears ESPN anchor Ed Werder has been asked to come in on a Saturday. And, if you would believe it, he's gonna have to come in on Sunday too. Yeeeaaah. Mr. Werder has been working for Initech, excuse me, ESPN for 17 years now and it seems he's at the end of his rope. "They've moved my desk four times now," an annoyed Mr. Werder told us repeatedly. "And now they want to move me to a basement in New Orleans? I'm--I'm quitting. I'm going to quit because they've moved my desk four times already and that's not okay. I used to be over by the window, you know." Apparently, the many bosses of the sports network have been looking for ways to downsize. At first, they tried notifying employees via fax but it seems the ****damn fax machine is broken. According to one employee,...

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

1May

By jeff16 Comments

Sci-Tech

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

It's Monday again, otherwise known as Xanax Day, and local lab specimen Ernie 13 is a rat reborn. "Xanaday Xanadu! I feel sooooo good right now," Ernie said with a big grin. "Man, I could go to like ten parties all at once. Yeah, ten parties wrapped in big fat party balls…balls…cheese balls...mmmmm, cheese." "Did you guys hear about the party tonieeeeeeeeeght?!" Ernie asked his fellow contained compadres. "There's no party Ernie," responded Raz 121. "Unless you consider a small rice wafer and electroshock a party, then yes, it's always a party in here." "Yooouuuu guys. You funny funny guys," Ernie went on with a wink (and a bit of redness) in his eye. "That's why I love hanging out with you guys so much - always with the laughs. Do you think Eve 2182 is going to make it ...

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

28Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Local Man

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

Area man, Pat Myas, is a lover of all things Facebook, but his friends on the popular social media site would never know it. According to our sources, Pat has the "annoying" habit of secretly enjoying the things he sees and reads without actually clicking the "like" button. "It's true," revealed one of his friends. "I talked to him the other day and he started going on and on about how he really, really liked something I posted on my timeline. When I confronted him about why he didn't click on the 'like' button he tried to engage in an existential discussion on the increasingly dichotomous nature of our reality! What an asshole." Esteemed internet sociologist, Dr. Harvard Browneye, wrote his doctoral thesis on the subject of Facebook likes and offered valuable insight into such behav...