Tag: satire

‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism
ENTMT

‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism

Kids are bigots. The latest installment in the animated hit series Cars has revealed a disturbing and dark underbelly of a group of our population that is normally portrayed with all the glossy doe-eyed innocence of little lambs.  But it turns out it was all just propaganda.  That's right, your sweet, adorable little Mickey is a big ole' bigot. Freaking Mickey.  Every time I think about him cheering an animated car instead of the Amazonian princess Diana I throw up in my mouth a little. "Cars rule and girls drool," one pint-sized fan reported.  "I'll take Lightning Mcqueen over the Princess of Themyscira any day of a million kajillion lifetimes - times infinity.  Oh yeah, and did I mention girls drool?" Although it's true that little boys are the ones mostly driving up ticket s...
Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic
Celebrities, Society

Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic

"Nature abhors a vacuum" and we're pretty sure this applies here (it's a complicated metaphor and we don't have time to explain).  It has come to our attention that the media at large has been using the fame of our brightest stars to generate clicks and garner shallow traffic on their sites. Despicable. These shimmering goddesses deserve better. They deserve to be treated with the awe and respect that their shimmery awesomeness deserves. And not have their perfect names sullied and cheapened by the greed of capitalism. It goes without saying that newspapers need to rediscover the lost values of decency, professionalism, and shivulry. Besides this, T-Swift might just shake it off and write a song about it, taking you and irony all the way to the bank - or credit union -...
Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’
U.S.

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said.  “Gerald Ford was president.  The Reds had just won the World Series.  And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli.  You might say I had a choice to make.  But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme.” Even a cursory glance fr...
Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV
Sci-Tech

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

A new report released by the Television Scientists of America shows the often overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument by which a human's visual system--the thing that enables us to process visual detail (or in layman's terms, "see")--is maintained and kept in proper operation.  It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system, the end result is blindness.  Therefore, according to Science, if you don't watch TV you'll go blind. Their research further showed that those who read had ex...
World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing
World

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo. This very special bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa under the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps. Though trained by intelligent, higher-order mammals, the things this chimp has learned is nothing short of astonishing. Kanzi is the brother to another special ape Panbanisha, who died in 2012 of symptoms related to a cold–possibly due to poor care from the woman who used to train them, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh.  Though she was later reinstated because of her uncanny connection with the animal kingdom–from hearing the first puppy speak English to ...