Tag: satire

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention
4Oct By jeff59 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses.  Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes.  "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times!  In a row!  It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too?  You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...
Read More
Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles
13Aug By jeff13 Comments
U.S.

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

"I lost my marbles!" Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber. "Josh!  Clint!  Armitage!  You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!" he pleaded, now in complete hysterics. Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life.  And his prized marbles--housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials--are known to friends and family alike as 'off limits'. We talked to some of Gary's compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later. "We haven't been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus," one searcher said cheerily.  "Even...
Read More
Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat
30Jul By jeff17 Comments
ENTMT, Sports

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

  We just received a raven from the Citadel and it appears Lavar Ball of the House of Ball, first of his name, has thrown down the iron gauntlet (made specially from the Iron Isles) and demanded that Ser Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, of the House of Scare the Hell out of Everyone, leave the Red Keep at once and face him in open combat. This is not the first time we've heard grand boasts from the Lord of Ball Nation, and it certainly won't be the last.  Well maybe. "He's a big ole WUSSY!" Lord Ball exclaimed.  "Mount Wussy Wuss Face is his true name!  And it's time to make that mountain into a mole hill!" During this very ambitious and very long speech, one that men will surely sing about and women will one day teach to their children, Lord Ball expounded upon a litany of accomplis...
Read More
Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia
20Jul By jeff28 Comments
Sci-Tech

Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia

Greg Chortleberger, a clever but wholly unknown armchair physicist, has recently dedicated his life to proving (or falsifying) one of the major aspects of Isaac Newton’s first law of inertia: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest until moved upon by an outside force. “I’ve basically been at rest for a long, long time now,” said Mr. Chortleberger, “And, yeah, I guess it’s getting easier–but I’m still skeptical.  I just don’t think we should take a word like “law” and throw it around all willy-nilly, you know?  Take gravity, for instance.  Gravity sure seems like a law but tell that to a bird.  Or helium.” His plan is to remain on his mom’s more than adequate leather sofa until he is satisfied with his results and convinced that the law has lived up to its name, and that no one has name...
Read More
Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid
14Jul By jeff31 Comments
Sci-Tech

Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid

According to the Academic Scientists Society of America, there are ten scientifically proven ways to tell if you are a big fat dummy.  After extensive lab tests, brain scans, control groups, and internet surfing, the Society released its initial findings on their website (www.assofamerica.com).  The final report will be published in the Journal of American Idiots this fall. Here is the summation of their findings in an easy to remember top ten list: 1 - If your age is higher than your IQ 2 - If it took you a while to figure out the answer to number one 3 - If you thought the KKK was a Krispy Kreme Kampaign 4 - If you always wanted to visit the Sixteenth Chapel 5 - If you've ever said, "I'm literally LMAO right now!" 6 - If you finally heard Whitney Houston sing "I Will...
Read More
DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals
12Jul By jeff25 Comments
ENTMT

DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals

It pays to be a good guy. On the heels of big time advertisement campaigns starring iconic superheroes like Spiderman, The Hulk, Superman, Iron Man, etc. the union officially representing the villains of DC and Marvel released the statement of the century yesterday. “In the interests of our clients, the DCU, MU, and the world at large, we–the ones callously labeled as ‘bad guys’–would like to announce our complete resignation (in perpetuity) from any and all evil plots, plans, schemes, etc. that would (directly or indirectly) cause the harm and/or destruction of the planet, humans, and…well…yeah, we guess superheroes, too.” This shocking announcement has left their respective universes reeling in disbelief and the response–from superheroes more than anyone–has been one of complete...
Read More