Tag: satire

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think
8Jan By Jennifer Hollie Bowles34 Comments
U.S.

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think

A shocking new study conducted by the University of BFE in Tallasasaquatchaheely, TX shows that only 10% of Southerners are as stupid as Northerners think--or as Northern teachers tell students in history classes. It turns out that 90% of Southerners do not: 1) Have sex with their cousins or other family members, 2) Think all people that are not white should be slaves or die, 3) Have more than one abandoned vehicle on their properties, 4) Eat only potatoes and pig fat, 5) Wear overalls, 6) Spend most of their time chewing tobacco, or 7) Have rebel flags. Additionally, 90% of Southerners do: 1) Clean their feet, 2) Have running water, and 3) Pass the 3rd grade. The study further revealed that some assumptions about Southerners are 80-90% correct, but these assumptions, according to...
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Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance
6Jan By Brooke Eliot10 Comments
Local Man

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

Local commuter, Glenn Bekk--not to be confused with Glenn Beck, the conservative radio personality--has been deemed a hero this week as he publicly grasped the concept of “Man Spread”. The heroic effort took place at rush hour, Monday morning. Commuters were astonished to see the effort put into the deed itself. “It was magical,” said one female commuter. “He saw that I was sitting next to him, and he actually gave me the room to exist; I could not be believe it!” Neither could her pet Chihuahua, Mrs. Kernal, who yipped and jumped during the whole interview. An MTA worker who witnessed the event, watched in disbelief. “It's one of those stories that you hear about by the water cooler, but to actually be there - right in the action - man, what an experience,” he stated. “It's almost as i...
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Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait
17Dec By jeff16 Comments
ENTMT

Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait

According to every major poll in galaxies near and far, far away, the one thing fans were hoping would finally be added to the Star Wars universe: a purple-haired Laura Dern. And they were not disappointed. With all the acting chops of a Mark Hamill or Chewbacca, Dern brings with her the kind of potential that could create another classic climactic moment, similar to the one where Luke denied his feelings and his father, Lord Vader. "Noooooooooooo!" said one faithful fan and part-time critic of the space saga.  "We cannot live without her. From the moment we met her in Jurassic Park (who could ever forget the scene where she says 'run' five times and then screams it as she begins to run?), we knew we couldn't live without her." Some viewers, who have become accustomed to the co...
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Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree
16Dec By jeff14 Comments
Society

Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree

The once very popular television series, Crime Scene Investigation, which aired from 2000 to 2015, has recently announced that it will finally be able to properly reward viewers for their years and years of investment in the field of Forensic Science. In collaboration with Boston State University, a school well known for its exceptional forensics program, CSI will now be issuing an MS in Biomedical Forensic Sciences to any fan that has completed eight full seasons of the show. "It's about flipping time," one fan said.  "I could've gone to school for this, but I decided to, you know, not." The longtime running drama about a "team of forensic investigators trained to solve criminal cases by scouring the crime scene" has successfully created millions of more fully trained and capable...
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Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time
12Dec By Brooke Eliot24 Comments
Local Man

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

Local resident and accountant, Barry Bishop, has been accused this week of lying about his severe gluten allergy. The incident took place at his neighbor’s Sunday night football party, where Barry was seen consuming large amounts of Bud Light and pepperoni pizza. Based off his previous allergy claims, attendees were horrified to see Mr. Bishop partaking in such reckless behavior. “I am shocked,” said one dismayed neighbor. ”I have seen him keel over in pain from just looking at a muffin - I don’t know what to feel anymore.” In a form of protest, she recently made a picket sign, depicting Mr. Bishop’s face superimposed onto a piece of bread. “I make signs to cope with my pain - this experience is no exception.” Host of the party, Melvin Cartwright, shed some light on the depravity. “I bo...
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LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”
11Dec By jeff17 Comments
Sports

LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”

LaVar Ball, first of his glorious name, has borne a "heavy burden" for far too long, and may the Balls grant him the strength to carry it. In an emotional (mostly on our end) and entirely exclusive interview, Lord Ball, after much soul-searching, revealed a very intimate and personal detail of his life that he decided he could never not go public with: "I am the last Targaryen." At that moment a cold wind blew in from the north and made the trees rustle like living things.  Our key grip annoyingly noted that someone opened a window at that moment, but he's also an idiot. "I know I've said a lot of things in the past," Lord Ball admitted.  "And I know that, technically, I'm saying something now because words are coming out of my mouth; but I'm not just saying things to say them....
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