satire – Page 26 – Iron E-News

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

22Jan

By jeff25 Comments

Celebrities

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun. “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time. This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No! Baby, baby,...

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

22Sep

By jeff29 Comments

World

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

RIYADH–In a historic step towards equality, Saudi women can now cast their ballot for which men they want to control their lives. Coming on the heels of a similar directive, which allowed women to choose which shade of very black they wanted, this decision has equal implications and even greater value for all involved. The progressive move from the great egalitarian monarch–whether political, conciliatory, or both–is unparalleled in the ultra-conservative kingdom and comes at just the right time. Along with the edict, King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud has attached a clause which requires the woman to drive to the voting place herself which, of course, is illegal and carries a heavy fine or a penalty of 10 lashes. According to his secretary, he thought that the women should hav...

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

15Jun

By jeff24 Comments

Sports

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

MIAMI—A Dallas man was arrested yesterday after Miami police discovered that he had kidnapped and then impersonated Heat star Lebron James during the NBA Finals against the Mavericks earlier this month in what has to be the wildest scheme ever to help the Mavs achieve basketball glory. Apparently it worked. Detectives who opened the case said that they were tipped off by suspicious activity during games four, five, and six of the championship series. “Something was definitely hinkey,” reported Miami detective Jack Emup. “We watched all the games at the station, and we knew something was wrong, but we never would’ve suspected this.” According to police, the man they apprehended played college ball on a division one team, underwent facial reconstructive surgery, and even got the ...

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

14Jun

By jeff21 Comments

Dictators

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

TRIPOLI, LYBIA—With rumors swirling around the status of the highly anticipated SWAG FEST (Senior World Autocratic Gala and Fashion Event Spectacular in Tripoli) due to ill-timed popular uprisings and subsequent bombing by the West, Lybian leader and dictator debonair Mu’uamar Gaddafi told Iron E-News that the show, “must, and will, go on!” In his speech on opening day, surrounded by other leader/models such as King Hamad of Bahrain, Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov of Turkmenistan, Ali Zadari of Pakistan, and President Saleh of Yemen, Gadhafi celebrated the show’s life and resilience through the best and worst of times. “When Ben-ali and Mubarak cancelled at the last moment, I was afraid we were going to have to postpone. But after receiving so much opposition...

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

12Jun

By jeff14 Comments

Dictators

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

CARACAS–Enigmatic President of Venezuela Hugo Chavez has been recovering at an alarmingly fast pace, and the doctors said that he should be back to “soaring with the condors” very soon. When Iron E-News correspondent Bev Jolt interviewed the president, she was surprised as anyone to find him in this revitalized (and poetic) state. He talked little about his condition but was very eager to share about his renewed life vision–how even the most menial tasks put him in oneness with “our brothers in the animal kingdom.” “I just got a coke like a raccoon,” revealed an ecstatic Chavez. “And before that I peed like a racehorse. Yes, I know many people use that expression, but they use it flippantly and are never one with the racehorse while they urinate–it’s simply horse pee to them and...

Tiger Mom: “Get into Harvard, then Come Tell Me Happy F%#ing Mother’s Day”

22May

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Tiger Mom: “Get into Harvard, then Come Tell Me Happy F%#ing Mother’s Day”

This mother’s day weekend, Yale Law Professor, Amy Chua, co-author of the well-known book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, is releasing her new book, Tiger Mother’s Day, or, Everyday My Kid’s Not a Giant Waste of Space Day. The book is already drawing a huge response online and is quickly becoming the number one sought after Mother’s Day gift from kids everywhere, especially guilt-ridden underachievers. Mrs. Chua attempts to highlight the aspects of an above average, extremely successful Mother’s Day (or Tiger Mom’s Day) and goes on to contend that this kind of day should be a regular occurrence and not an annual “make-up-for-my-failed-existence” kind of thing. Here are just a couple of nuggets that she has used to help train her own children in understanding the difference: Moth...