satire – Page 24 – Iron E-News

6May

By jeff22 Comments

Politics

DOJBall: In Theaters this Summer!

In theaters now! If you enjoyed Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder). With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. “DOJBall is a hit!” raves New York Times reporter David Sanger. “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and, more importantly, you’ll want to get out there and dodge some justice!” With stellar supporting performances by president Obama and Jay Carney, this film has all the magic of past movies such as “Watergate” and “Contragate”, but hasn’t received near the media hype and attention that it deserves. Neverth...

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

20Mar

By jeff22 Comments

World

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan. And the Inuit couldn’t be happier. Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. “Oh yeah. It’s the yak’s pajamas!” said local fisherman Imnek. “When life gives us lemons, we make glacially iced lemonade. You should try some.” Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel for Climate Change (a branch of the United Nations located in Geneva, Switzerland) are almost unanimous in their consensus as to the chief cause; though a few have noted that the Earth has gone through warming...

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

13Mar

By jeff21 Comments

China

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river. The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at the same time, brought a sigh of relief to a tense and worried urban population. Shanghai’s new mayor, Yang Xiong, assured the city’s residents that this had nothing to do with harmful chemicals or pollutants from China’s environmentally-friendly factories as some have spuriously suggested. Apparently, the spirit pig became insanely jealous with all the attention being lavished on China’s serpentine golden boys–the dragon and dragon junior–and so, obviously, he sacrificed 2,800 willing volunteers to br...

China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins

25Feb

By jeff15 Comments

China

China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins

YUNNAN–In the quiet, almost pastoral outskirts of northwest Yunnan, an elderly gentleman sits in the afternoon sun humming a familiar tune and patiently working on his long, rectangular box of wood–or future home, of sorts. The local Chinese government, in response to the longterm drought caused primarily by extensive damming projects, has generously begun to supply farmers with free wood so they, like Ming Xu, can begin to plan for the future. “I retired a few months ago from working the land,” said Ming Xu, “basically because there was no real land to work anymore, and started going stir-crazy inside the house. That’s when my wife told me I needed a hobby; so I decided to try my hand at carpentry.” “Everybody needs a hobby. Everybody (especially when they’re my age) needs someth...

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

17Feb

By jeff22 Comments

Celebrities

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities. In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. If you haven’t heard, we were the ones who gave them these juicy bits: -Lady Gaga to sue Ice Cream Limited for production of ice cream machine strap-on bra (called Malted Mammaries) -Matt Damon takes a really big bite of his cheeseburger (at an Italian restaurant!) -Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan to...

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

22Oct

By jeff24 Comments

Politics

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself. Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. “I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press and are committed to ensuring its protection. To prove it to you, I’ve tasked Chief Justice Holder with heading the investigation. No one is more familiar with the intricacies and complex machinations of Eric than Eric.” According to an anony...