satire – Page 22 – Iron E-News

New Transformers Movie an Intellectual Orgasm

21Jun

By jeff15 Comments

ENTMT

New Transformers Movie an Intellectual Orgasm

New Transformers movie an esoteric vision The early reviews are in, and the fortieth installment of Michael Bay’s epic science fiction saga, Transformers: Age of Extinction, is quickly being hailed as the War and Peace of the silver screen. “Age of Extinction,” writes Desson Howe of the Washington Post, ”plays itself with such contrapuntal richness, it resonates in you forever. Set in an unknown time and space, this extraterrestrial saga of will, destiny and passion--starring Mark Wahlberg (formerly Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch)--is an extraordinary symphony of sound and silence, of lilting pleasure and tangled horror.” “It’s a genuinely epic ciné-poem that deals with flying, transforming robots as an absolute, inevitable and eternal facet of existence,” raves Geoff Andrew of Time ...

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

21Jun

By jeff5 Comments

Sci-Tech, World

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

Spectacular new images of Earth were released by NASA yesterday detailing various aspects of our magnificent blue and green marble. One photo in particular stood out above the rest: a crystal clear shot of billions of carbon molecules in the form of a giant footprint covering most of North America. Scientists would have been completely in the dark as to the owner of the footprint if not for the letters “GORE” on the bottom of the foot. Apparently, what started out as a tiny dot not worth mentioning has turned into one of the greatest marvels in all of human history. And, according to scientists monitoring this man-made phenomena affecting our ozone, Mr. Gore deserves all of the credit. “It’s amazing really,” said one climatologist. “Not only has he eloquently explained to us wh...

Iranian Judge Orders KimYe to Never Ever be in the News Again

28May

By jeff15 Comments

World

Iranian Judge Orders KimYe to Never Ever be in the News Again

Kimye news reaches tipping point for judge Following the logical summons of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg over privacy violations, a high court in southern Iran has issued its second demand in as many days: that the man who calls himself “Yeezus” and his former “internet star” turned bride, Kim Kardashian, shall never ever ever appear before his eyes while he’s watching his nightly news in his nightly jammies (or at any other time for that matter). This isn’t the first time this judge has flexed his judicial powers. Over the years, his excellency has summoned Batman (of course), The Rolling Stones (because he couldn’t get the radio to work), and Chuck Norris (which he deeply regretted). The judge wasn’t available for comment but Sherif Hassananan, an official with the paramilitary B...

Homage to Hemingway: To Have and then Lose the Damn Thing

26May

By Tim J. Myers16 Comments

Society

Homage to Hemingway: To Have and then Lose the Damn Thing

Then there was lunch. You had to stop and eat it; that’s the way it was. You had to stop hiking up the long dry slope and sit down and eat the lunch. If you didn’t eat it you might keel over and then your face would go sideways down onto the dust and you’d smell the dust deep in your nostrils and your cheek would look all fat and spread out against the dusty trail. So you would reach into your rucksack until your fingers touched the flat metal sides of it, and you’d fish it up out of the rucksack, and set it on a rock and just look at it for a while. It wasn’t like other cans. The shape was different. It was partly a square and partly an oval. And it had a blue paper covering, with a picture of it. And it said Spam in big letters. That was all. Just Spam. You took it into you...

Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight

15May

By jeff10 Comments

Sports

Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight

The Tampa Bay Rays played the Seattle Mariners yesterday and, at one point in the game, things got ugly. Then they got awkward. In the fourth inning, with one man on and two out, the Rays pitcher, David Price, faced Corey Hart. Earlier in the game, Price had already brushed Hart off the plate and it didn't look like he was going to go easy on him this time around either. The two benches, sensing something was up, stood to their feet in anticipation. And sure enough, on the next pitch, Price beamed Hart right in the shoulder as Hart turned to avoid the incoming ball. Before you could say, The Cubs will never win the World Series in a million lifetimes because they are still under a curse that the baseball gods in all their infinite baseball wisdom have yet to lift, the two benches wer...

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

17Apr

By jeff20 Comments

Politics

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions. In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous ‘red line’ drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations. “I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a press conference. “Red lines are so harsh and final–there’s no room to maneuver and no going back (usually). This meandering doodle, however, even though it technically still has ...