satire – Page 20 – Iron E-News

15Feb

By jeff18 Comments

Internets, Local Man

Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests

To the untrained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world comes across as not only impressive but, as some might say, bordering on showy. One of the woman editors of this paper, upon viewing the young man’s profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth. But the results are in Mr. Crinkler—the veil has been removed, if you will—and it doesn’t look good. According to the younger brother Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his page. Apparently, Brit claims to have upwards of 1,250 friends; and somehow the rest of the world has believed him for over five years. At first glance, this seems to qualify him for some sort of Gui...

14Feb

By jeff17 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Mayonnaise from the Devil

Conclusive data uncovered in a new and impartial study conducted by the highly professional food scientists here at the Iron E Research Center in Shanghai, has shown that the popular condiment known to the world as mayonnaise actually comes from the vats of Hades. Some of us have had our suspicions about the insidious white sludge for quite some time but have held our tongues, strictly in the interests of science. Today, millions of consumers all around the world remain under the happy delusion that this fatty amalgamation of olive oil, egg yolk, and death is made in the loving factories of companies such as Kraft and Kewpie; and inadvertently overlook certain clues that, when taken as a whole, make the truth seem quite obvious. The first and most obvious one of course is the brand name...

More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem

11Feb

By jeff19 Comments

Society

More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem

The science is in: Extroversion is a social disorder. To be more specific, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders now lists extraversion as ‘Social Annoyance Disorder’, which affects 1 out of 3 seemingly healthy adults in some way. The American Psychiatric Association (all introverts by the way), in tandem with the World Health Organization, published a detailed report chronicling the systematic harassment and general social abuse of introverts by extroverts, concluding that the excessive need or desire to sap the emotional energy of others was really a sort of social vampirism which was, at the least, bothersome, and at worst, dangerous to society. “Extroverts just need a big, wet existential blanket thrown over their faces every day,” one doctor recommended. “Which...

American Tourist in Italy Visits the Sixteenth Chapel

11Feb

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

American Tourist in Italy Visits the Sixteenth Chapel

American tourist and college grad, Richard Head, recently decided it was time to get some culture in his life. Or, in his words, 16th century porn. After “learning” about the paintings that ornamented the lavish walls of the Vatican’s famous “Sixteenth Chapel”, he logically assumed that this was how all Italians lived and dressed, and so, of course, he wanted to see it for himself. However, he hesitated for a brief moment because he thought it a bit strange that so much nudity would be found in chapels of all places. But he didn’t hesitate for long because so much culture awaited. Upon arriving in the Fiumicino airport, he hurriedly made his way through the tarmac and into the waiting area, fully expecting a cornucopia of lounging flesh similar to what one might find on Mount Olympus....

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

9Feb

By jeff41 Comments

Sci-Tech

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator. “After much deliberation,” the letter begins, “and in the spirit of the age, we feel it necessary to reevaluate our view of “scientists” such as Isaac Newton, Max Planck, (probably Einstein), Galileo, Sir Francis Bacon, Copernicus, etc. etc. Furthermore, we feel intellectually compelled to call men and women who hold ont...

Car Horns Swapped for Human Voices to Minimize Confusion

9Feb

By jeff22 Comments

World

Car Horns Swapped for Human Voices to Minimize Confusion

Cars a lot less horny now, say manufacturers Major car manufacturers announced a change that’s been in the works for some time now—car horns will finally communicate like the rest of the world. This change came as a result of a horribly awkward situation involving a young man who mistakenly waved to a driver after hearing a short, light tap on the horn. Because this staccato-style single tap (at times substituted for the double tap) is used interchangeably for a variety of circumstances—from saying hi to warning someone—this poor youth could hardly be faulted for turning around cheerily and offering a warm ‘how do you do’. The motorist, however, took his kindness for sarcasm and proceeded to lay on his horn while adding one more bird to the fresh spring air. “It’s about time t...