Tag: satire

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger
25Feb By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore.  They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...
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New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America
23Feb By jeff12 Comments
Politics

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

Scientists with the Smithsonian Institution have stumbled on the find of a lifetime!  A species long purported to be extinct–the infamous dodo bird. Though, technically, this particular bird, Anus Coulterus, is suspected to be a cross-breed between a dodo and some kind of cuckoo. Last week, the team was studying a pair of newly transported condor falcons at a local zoo when they happened upon the unpredictable animal. “There we were, walking by the elephant area, when we heard the most God-awful sound,” reported the team leader.  “Remember, Laura?  You actually said, ‘Oh good Lord!  What is that?!  It sounds like Satan giving birth to a pterodactyl!”  So we went over to investigate and there it was, covered in elephant dung!  For some reason, it had been subsisting mostly on the f...
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Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence
23Feb By jeff24 Comments
U.S.

Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence

  According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved. This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms. “We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police.  “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by a weapon.  We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.” Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in ...
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Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon
22Feb By jeff1060 Comments
Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first.  And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...
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Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name
22Feb By jeff43 Comments
Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”.  And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not sur...
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Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence
22Feb By jeff13 Comments
Society

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday.  And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background.  They cried for him.  They cried for beauty.  They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other.  He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now.  Homegrown.” “Sweet.  Recycled paper?” “Twice.” “Sick.  Wanna watch some Bujalski with us tonight?” “Mumblecore!” And as he drank in the warm night–with all its starlit conversation–he thoug...
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