Tag: satire

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos
1Mar By jeff10 Comments
U.S.

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos

  A recent survey conducted by the people at Gallup reveals that 10 out of 10 students would read a book everyday if it were converted into video format (or, at the very least, into a thread of compelling GIF files). They even said that they wouldn’t mind helping the adults with the conversion process since they usually had to help mom and dad and the grandparents with computer stuff anyway. We talked to a few kids about the popular PBS TV series, Reading Rainbow, to get their thoughts on the program and the importance of reading. “A TV show about reading? Isn’t that encouraging kids to watch TV and not read books?” one smart aleck kid asked.  “I mean, if you want us to read books, why do you keep making TV shows for us to watch?” Another kid, local know-it-all, Katy Mc...
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Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle
28Feb By jeff21 Comments
U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted.  “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically.  “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically).  Am I righ...
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How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People
28Feb By jeff26 Comments
Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day.  This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends.  Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore.  Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the...
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Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald
27Feb By Mike Chase34 Comments
Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim.  Can I call you Kim?  It's a girl's name.  Can I still call you that?  I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem.  Great people.  But people with problems.  The problem?  Fake News. CNN?  Garbage.  Fox News?  More like low calorie salad dressing.  The New York Times?  Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart?  Good people.  Good, good people.  I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency.  It'd just be me and some guy in a room.  He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together.  I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that.  My own people.  I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no."  N-O. So I need a solution.  And...
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Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL
27Feb By jeff27 Comments
Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We shou...
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Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost
26Feb By Bobby Ge23 Comments
Sci-Tech

Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost

On February 21 of this year, scientists at the Applied Sciences division of Footile Enterprises confirmed that they have lost their newly developed, fully functioning invisibility cloak. This cloak, also termed “IC-Nothing”, took twelve years of research and experimenting to construct and, reportedly, was highly successful at concealing wearers. “This has been a huge shock to the team,” lead designer Gordon Freeman noted. “We spent years on this project. I have no doubt it was our rivals, Black Mesa, who have stolen our work. I plan to have a word with them later.” The invisibility cloak, which consumed $400 million in government-endowed research funds, utilized groundbreaking new technology that allowed light to pass through the cloak virtually undisturbed. “One common percept...
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