satire – Page 13 – Iron E-News

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

30Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

"This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think." Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain. It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him. "In that moment," recounted Mr. Crumbs. "I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right." Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, "Don't bend your fingers," Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over--all with the power of his mind (and all o...

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

29Mar

By jeff20 Comments

World

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest--the place where that "fresh car smell" is born--lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby. And, as you can see from the picture above, this is no ordinary Sylvilagus Floridanus! You may remember him as the star of our award-winning biopic "A Glorious Tail" (previously titled "Can't See the Forest for the Booby" and also just "Booby Bunny: The Life and Times"). Field reporter Bev Jolt, after living among the woodland creatures for 2 years, grew very close to Booby and gained an invaluable insider's perspective. As a follow-up to the biopic, she offers a wildly provocative account of inter-animal relationships and hidden forest drama. "Fake,"...

Multiverse Spotted by Scientists in the Pacific Northwest

28Mar

By jeff23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Multiverse Spotted by Scientists in the Pacific Northwest

Real Multiverse or man in Multiverse costume? A small team of Washingtonian scientists claim to have definitive proof of a certain large, hairy beast that has escaped them for years: The Multiverse. A cloud of skepticism and doubt has surrounded the elusive creature for so long due to lack of any physical proof--after much searching--despite the sheer number of multiverses that would have to exist to maintain a breeding population. "I ain't never seen one of dem multiverses 'fore," said local hunter Ernie Gurney. "I seen a Big Foot and I's dang well seen a UFO plenty times, but not dat." When asked why the multiverse only seemed to be spotted by groups of eager scientists out looking for it, the team had this to say: "It's plausible that many have seen evidence of one before but were...

25Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Society

BREAKING NEWS: Narcolepsy on the Ri–

--ise, according to new repor----t A---------------------study was released last week detailing a dramatic increase in the number of people who battle with narco---------------------------tics, wait, excuse me, narcolepsy. I'm sure that plenty of people struggle with narcotics too. According to the report, this affects regular people, celebrit---------ies, --------former pre--------- --------sidents (shhh, God can't tell), vice *nod* presidents, new---------------s anchors, ------------------huh? Oh, judges, a------------------ctors and most of China apparently.

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

24Mar

By Brian Ge29 Comments

Celebrities, Sci-Tech

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

On March 22, 2017, Doctor Thomas J. Eckleburg of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was reviewing photographs of the sun--beamed back to Earth from the recently launched fARK space telescope--when he made an astonishing discovery. Staring back at him from each and every photograph with eyes of fierce golden flame was the burning visage of Kanye West. Just as Copernicus before him had once declared the Earth in revolution around a ball of fire known as the Sun, Dr. Eckleburg uncovered that for the 4.5 billion years the world has existed, it has really been centered around what many consider to be the most enlightened mind of human history. “You see, Kanye is often mistakenly believed to have been born in June 8, 1977, when in reality he was, is, and always shall be the ...

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

21Mar

By jeff207 Comments

Society

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill. Jerry opened up to Iron E-News after his class, recounting every gory detail. “I was on Youtube when my dad came in and sat down on my bed,” relayed the younger Fannersgraft. “I was pretty involved in this screaming orange but I could tell that something was up.” Apparently, the day before, Mr. Fannersgraft was watching Juno when he started to notice his wife’s stack of movies (ones his son was allowed to watch for some reason): Grease, Dirty Dancing, Sixteen Candles, Ghost (Ghost for God’s sake!). “When he ca...