Tag: satire

IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun
25Apr By jeff23 Comments
Internets

IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun

Local IT worker, Vaughan Johnson, is hard at work on that server issue cat video you asked about last week."Most of my job takes me about five minutes to get done," Vaughan admitted.  "The rest is mainly memes and funny videos.  Of course, I tell everyone it's going to take much longer because I don't want them to start giving me busy work."His company, Cemen Enterprises, services the needs between the producer and their traders. "Our company fills a small but essential (and overlooked) gap in the market," CEO Alec Smart offered.  "We're basically--what's that?  Just a sec.  Well, get Vaughan in here right away.  As you can see, we rely on Vaughan and his team completely.  We have no idea what he does or how he does it but whatever it is, it's genius."According to Mr. Johnson, their effici...
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USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks
24Apr By jeff25 Comments
Sports

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

The United States Men's National Soccer Team is beefing up their defensive strategy in preparations for the 2018 World Cup. By building better walls. The proposition by the current president, Donald Trump, to build a 2,000 mile border wall in between Mexico and the United States has become a source of inspiration to many, including Coach Gary Arenas. "We're trying to make the American team great again," Coach Arenas revealed.  "And that's going to happen by building walls. Big, yugemoungous walls are going to keep soccer balls out and keep us in the hunt for the World Cup." According to the team, they have had too many encroachments around their 20-yard box thus instigating the need for a defensive change. "We usually put about four or five guys together to block a free kick...
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Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM
22Apr By jeff22 Comments
Society

Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM

Kentuckian Jim Ballsinger–brother, son, lover, hootenanny coordinator–recently returned from his daily therapy session in seemingly high spirits.  We think. “Oh, that’s right, the interview thing,” said Jim, apparently caught off guard by our presence.  ”No, it’s perfect timing.  Really, no problem.  I just need to go take a big dump and I’ll be right with you.” For the next hour, we had a chance to chat with Jim’s family to gain a better perspective on his newly identified social behavior and see how everyone was learning to cope. “That theruhpiss,” Jim’s mother revealed, “Told us that thuh bes’ way to help Jium was fer hium to hug his–whut?! Waddidu say, Larry?!  Oh, squuuze me.  Embrace (same thang).  She told us to help hium “embrace” his passive angryness.  Whut?!  Well, why ...
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Amazing Race to Release ‘Sad Sack Race’ for the Rest of Us
19Apr By jeff14 Comments
ENTMT

Amazing Race to Release ‘Sad Sack Race’ for the Rest of Us

A new season of Amazing Race is here, and the world once again is able to live vicariously through beautiful, (mostly) young, well-toned human beings. However, after going back and reviewing the millions and millions of video submissions from normal, everyday Americans, the producers of the hit show felt that they weren’t accurately reflecting their fan base and were only contributing to the expanding disconnect between reality and reality TV. “Take this one for instance,” host and producer Phil Keoghan offered.  “This guy’s in his mid to late thirties, probably majored in literature or something, can’t climb an actual staircase much less a corporate one, and so he has to try and win money on reality TV competitions.  It’s sad, really.  But hey, that was the whole idea behind Sad Sac...
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Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints
17Apr By jeff24 Comments
Local Man

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints

Mort Feebly, assistant manager at Supplies Surprise, is a man who has explored all the subtleties and nuances of the motto: “Work smarter, not harder.”  So, when his boss and sometimes friend, Herbert Sherbert, told the store about an opportunity in corporate, Mort didn’t miss a beat—he put it off until tomorrow. We caught up with him at one of his many stopovers to Krispy Kreme and asked him why he wasn’t busy streamlining his inventory for tomorrow’s visit from corporate. “Let me put it this way: I don’t feel my skill-set is being fully appreciated.  I’ve been looking for a way to show those suits what I can really do under pressure.  Some people call it procrastination, but I’m more of a “glass is half full” kind of guy—I call it being ‘clutch’.” Later, we had a chance to sit d...
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