satire news – Page 9

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

20May

By jeff22 Comments

Society

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

The faithful workers at Syrius Enterprises & Technologies Incorporated had little reason to believe that last Friday would prove to be any different than most other “Fundays” (which is what their boss, unfortunately, has named all Fridays)–or that they would be in for the surprise of their humdrum lives. They were wrong. On top of all of this, never would they have imagined in a million years that Dink would be the one to surprise them. Dink Furtlebottom, a seemingly normal human being from great distances was someone who became increasingly eccentric the closer you got to him. A diligent worker and tireless follower– Dink was one who would go around the mountain to avoid even looking at the cart. He took things as they came and happily thought of himself as a tiny yet effic...

20May

By jeff30 Comments

World

Endangered Gerbil Saved in Sudan

DARFUR—A rare Gerbillus Burtoni, or Burton’s Gerbil, destined to become some predator or insect’s meal, was rescued yesterday in the western part of one of Africa’s most chaotic countries. As rain clouds and troops rolled in over the sprawling savanna toward a civilian village, one of nature’s most adorable creatures was saved from imminent danger and destruction. Faithful Iron E-News reporter, Bev Jolt, traveled to the war-torn area to discover what really happened. “There I was, crouched behind a large baobab tree,” reported a courageous UN peacekeeper, “when I spotted something scurrying on the ground about ten meters from my position. I recognized the little guy immediately and, remembering he was endangered, knew I had to do something fast. I leapt out from behind my shelte...

America is all like ‘Er mah Gerd’ and Trump is all like ‘Troll-lol-lol’, According to Informed Youth

15May

By jeff25 Comments

Politics

America is all like ‘Er mah Gerd’ and Trump is all like ‘Troll-lol-lol’, According to Informed Youth

Amanda Flerd, a 12 year old middle school student from Richmond, Virginia, recently gave a current events speech to her class, informing them of the latest political tensions in America while offering lucid analysis on its current state of affairs. The presentation was well-received by the class, who claimed they learned more in those two minutes than they had all year. "OMG guys, this almost gave me GHERSBERMPS! So Trump totally trolled this FBI dude, Clowny, for trying to probe a Russian or something cuz YOLO. Lulz. And now America is all like 'ERMAHGERD!' about Trump but Trump is all like 'Troll-lol-lol' America cuz YOPO (you're only president once). And THEN--get this--G Dubs and Laura were in town cuz, according to the media, this dude Spicer was trying to avoid everyone by ...

12May

By jeff25 Comments

Society

Poll: ‘Your Mom’ is Still Funny

According to a survey conducted by the American Research Society, thirty-something-year old men all over the world are still responding randomly to questions with the phrase, "your mom". And finding it funny. Even after decades of usage, and even after research has shown it to be nearly impossible for "your mom" to be an adequate or appropriate answer to every question, it hasn't seemed to grow tired or old. For example, "What is two times two?" "Your mom." (we know to be incorrect because it's usually four) Or, "What was Einstein's inspiration for the theory of relativity?" "Your mom." (we also know to be untrue since your mom isn't a day over 30) "This juvenile response," the Society reported, "similar to 'bathroom' humor, has amazing comedic resiliency among actual ...

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

10May

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

The teeth speak for themselves. With oil-pulling all the rage now as a teeth-whitener and cleaner, area man Jonas Naughtbright (brother of Eric Naughtbright) prefers to keep things old school. "Jonas has had discoloration of the teeth for years now," revealed his doctor. "It's a serious issue. Yes, of course, he's in a coma to be sure. But, man, you should've seen his teeth a month ago." According to his brother, Jonas saw immediate improvement just one day after using household bleach. "What might take you weeks or months to accomplish with oil-pulling or strips," Eric commented, "Jonas accomplished in 24 hours. His teeth are ivory white--no, wait, toilet seat white." As soon as he comes out of his coma, Jonas is determined to brand his homemade recipe and break into th...

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

6May

By jeff25 Comments

U.S.

FDA Approves New ‘Merdersyl’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

The Food and Drug Administration has issued their approval for a radical new medication that comprehensively solves the sleep disorder known as insomnia. Incidentally, it has also helped solve a number of other unforeseen issues - like the need to ever to wake up again. Initial tests of the drug on human subjects have shown an unprecedented 100% success rate as the subjects have each enjoyed a very, very long rest. According to inside sources, they are still out cold. "Man, this drug really works," a test subject's spouse offered enthusiastically. "After taking one pill, my Tim was sleeping like an angel. And nothing could wake him up either. We're finally gonna get our beauty sleep." Eli Lilly and Company, best known for manufacturing Secobarbital, has begun ramping up pro...