satire news – Page 8

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

10Jun

By jeff11 Comments

U.S.

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said. “Gerald Ford was president. The Reds had just won the World Series. And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli. You might say I had a choice to make. But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme.” Even a cursory glance fr...

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

7Jun

By jeff22 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

A new report released by the Television Scientists of America shows the often overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument by which a human's visual system--the thing that enables us to process visual detail (or in layman's terms, "see")--is maintained and kept in proper operation. It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system, the end result is blindness. Therefore, according to Science, if you don't watch TV you'll go blind. Their research further showed that those who read had ex...

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

2Jun

By jeff20 Comments

World

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo. This very special bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa under the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps. Though trained by intelligent, higher-order mammals, the things this chimp has learned is nothing short of astonishing. Kanzi is the brother to another special ape Panbanisha, who died in 2012 of symptoms related to a cold–possibly due to poor care from the woman who used to train them, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh. Though she was later reinstated because of her uncanny connection with the animal kingdom–from hearing the first puppy speak English to ...

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

31May

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

Local husband David Hornee is concerned. Not about whether the dishes are done or the shower curtain is pulled back or the toilet seat is still up. All that can wait. He's concerned about his relationship. According to David, last night was the fourth night in a row that he and his wife of many years cuddled...and then watched TV. "It's not that I expect anything more to happen after we cuddle," David explained, "it's just that I'm really upset if nothing does." His wife, however, had a different take on their past couple of shared weeks. "It's been great," she said with a smile on her face. "You know, it's so nice to be able to grow closer to one another and have physical touch without any unnecessary expectations, if you know what I mean." Based on a recent study, ...

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

26May

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as "Swamp Butt". SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one's butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves. "The situation is quickly becoming widespread," reported one CDC agent rather gravely. "And honestly, it's a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out." Iron E-News s...

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

24May

By jeff16 Comments

Internets

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

Iron E-News is proud to announce that it has won the coveted Comment Response Award Prize for the first straight year in a row. This award, which has been called the Nobel Peace Prize of the Internet, is only given once a year to the news website that exemplifies the highest standards in both news reporting and website design/performance. However, though this award is actually given to the website that accumulates the greatest number of comments, the former is obviously implied. This year, Iron E-News far surpassed other notable real news websites such as The Onion and Newsbiscuit as well as various fake news sites such as The New York Times and The Washington Post. Here is just a taste of the passion and avid commitment from some of our readers: “good day everyone. i’m looki...