Tag: satire news

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read
2Jul By jeff18 Comments
U.S.

American Youth Locked in a Room and Forced to Read

A young boy from a town as normal as the next, recounts a scene so horrific that it just might make you pee your pants. He is like any other kid his age.  You might even call him “the kid next door.”  His neighbors do.  He plays on his Wii and Xbox most days and, when he’s not doing that, he’s looking at memes on 9Gag in between his favorite TV shows and YouTube videos. But, according to Daryl (not his real name), on June 20, 2017 something so terrible happened it almost shouldn’t be told (in fact, it almost wasn’t because his account consisted of so many “Oh my GERDs” and “Trollolols” we had no idea what he was saying, until we got his English teacher to translate). “It’s still so hard to talk about,” Daryl recounted slowly as he rocked back and forth in his chair, the dim light ...
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Grammarian no Logger Givs a Fying Fluck
1Jul By jeff27 Comments
Society

Grammarian no Logger Givs a Fying Fluck

After seatting down one day four a leasurly reed of of his favurit fillosofer, Camoo, redired engrish pufesor Graham Hurnozty had a crishis of egzistenchal portions; He know logger gayve a fying fluck. The wrds and comas and pereods and such - at won time in purfect boxes lining the shhelvs of hi smind - now excaped like wild monkees frum the zu "Nufing reelly maders enymoor" Graham said despondently in a sing songy voyce.  "Enyone can c.  Nufing reelly maders....to meeeeeeee,, Wee wached this wonce starwalt of a mahn, a pillur of pryed and intelect, who's rulles were his glorey, becum a shelll ov his former sellf, Pityfull.  Boken. Four waht wee widnessed.  ANd four dis pour wretch of a sole - unhindjed and adrifft in a see of dispare - we aufer dis: l(a le af f...
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Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole
25Jun By jeff25 Comments
Local Man

Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole

Area anti-socialite, Phil Koff, was wandering down the aisle of his local grocery store--minding his own quiet business--when he spotted a first-time acquaintance, Cher Tumuch, approaching ominously from the other direction. Though Mr. Koff did his best to hide his entire body behind a bevy of pineapples, Ms. Tumuch had already seen him.  It was his next action that was sadly misinterpreted for plain assholery. "To me and my fellow introverts," Phil offered candidly,  "turning and walking brusquely the other way as if I had just felt the onset of diarrhea was a very normal thing to do.  We (Cher and I) had literally just met the other day.  It wasn't even as if she were a long time acquaintance or one of my wife's innumerable friends." "I know he saw me!" Ms. Tumuch said at a higher vol...
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‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism
20Jun By jeff14 Comments
ENTMT

‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism

Kids are bigots. The latest installment in the animated hit series Cars has revealed a disturbing and dark underbelly of a group of our population that is normally portrayed with all the glossy doe-eyed innocence of little lambs.  But it turns out it was all just propaganda.  That's right, your sweet, adorable little Mickey is a big ole' bigot. Freaking Mickey.  Every time I think about him cheering an animated car instead of the Amazonian princess Diana I throw up in my mouth a little. "Cars rule and girls drool," one pint-sized fan reported.  "I'll take Lightning Mcqueen over the Princess of Themyscira any day of a million kajillion lifetimes - times infinity.  Oh yeah, and did I mention girls drool?" Although it's true that little boys are the ones mostly driving up ticket s...
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Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic
13Jun By jeffNo Comments
Celebrities, Society

Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic

"Nature abhors a vacuum" and we're pretty sure this applies here (it's a complicated metaphor and we don't have time to explain).  It has come to our attention that the media at large has been using the fame of our brightest stars to generate clicks and garner shallow traffic on their sites. Despicable. These shimmering goddesses deserve better. They deserve to be treated with the awe and respect that their shimmery awesomeness deserves. And not have their perfect names sullied and cheapened by the greed of capitalism. It goes without saying that newspapers need to rediscover the lost values of decency, professionalism, and shivulry. Besides this, T-Swift might just shake it off and write a song about it, taking you and irony all the way to the bank - or credit union -...
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