Tag: satire news

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’
Society

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’

Tom Seether, well into his late thirties now, works at Middlemen Incorporated, a company dedicated to providing services for "middle men".  He's disgruntled now. But things weren't always this way. "I remember when I was so new and gruntled," Tom recalled. "So gruntled," he added with a slight sigh. "And that's exactly what I call them now: the good ole gruntled days." We asked his colleagues and they confirmed. "I didn't think an employee could be as gruntled as Tom was," one of his colleagues offered.  "His gruntled-ness was almost contagious...almost." "We're the middle men for the middle man industry," Tom said sardonically.  "If you have a service that connects the consumer to another service, then we're here to serve your service," he continued, in mocking recitation. ...
Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces
Society

Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces

Last August, Adidas released its all-new Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra shoes in yet another successful endeavor to exploit social hierarchies based on wealth and athletic ability to make some sweet money. These revolutionary shoes were popularized by social media posts involving several celebrities and athletes wearing them and doing things that serve no other purpose than to highlight their wealth through their expensive shoes. This prompted a craze in the frightfully-faced masses to buy the shoes to draw attention away from their butt-ugly mugs. “I’m really happy with my brand new pair of Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra’s,” local ugly man Max Zhang said. “People used to unfairly judge me by my face. But now that shoes are the biggest thing, they look down at my feet in awe and wonder!” Max Zhang b...
Airport Security Measures to be Revised
U.S.

Airport Security Measures to be Revised

A $100 permit and microchip implant a must for iguana identification?  Too many iguanas?  Watch out.  Iguanas growing to be 6 feet long?  May live 20 years?  Terrorist iguanas? Never mind iguanas.  Forget it.  Just take off your shoes and don’t bring too much shampoo or shaving lotion to the airport.  Is your pen poison?  Are you a little weird in the lips, oddly dressed, say a suit and tie?   Well, stand by.  No micro chips yet, but we hired a few thousand donkeys at the airports to search our “iguana” for weapons of mass eruption, fondling our parts and bags, dipping into the nothing they so dearly love.  Heaven help your orange for lunch.  Have a pretzel, a plastic glass of coke.  No iguanas on the plane.  We double fine iguanas and no gum. A seemingly innocent man in blue suit, b...
Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention
Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses.  Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes.  "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times!  In a row!  It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too?  You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...
Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles
U.S.

Throng of Friends Rally to Help Gary Find his Marbles

"I lost my marbles!" Gary exclaimed in a near fever-pitch frenzy as he rallied all his dorm buddies from their quiet collegiate slumber. "Josh!  Clint!  Armitage!  You know how I get without my F***ING MARBLES!" he pleaded, now in complete hysterics. Gary Choad, an avid white piece only chess player and current resident assistant at UVA (University of Virginia), has had a fascination with little balls his whole life.  And his prized marbles--housed in a white velvet sack and monogrammed with his own initials--are known to friends and family alike as 'off limits'. We talked to some of Gary's compatriots to see how the hunt was coming and to ask if they were forming a study group later. "We haven't been this pumped since a Gap opened on campus," one searcher said cheerily.  "Even...
Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat
ENTMT, Sports

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

  We just received a raven from the Citadel and it appears Lavar Ball of the House of Ball, first of his name, has thrown down the iron gauntlet (made specially from the Iron Isles) and demanded that Ser Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, of the House of Scare the Hell out of Everyone, leave the Red Keep at once and face him in open combat. This is not the first time we've heard grand boasts from the Lord of Ball Nation, and it certainly won't be the last.  Well maybe. "He's a big ole WUSSY!" Lord Ball exclaimed.  "Mount Wussy Wuss Face is his true name!  And it's time to make that mountain into a mole hill!" During this very ambitious and very long speech, one that men will surely sing about and women will one day teach to their children, Lord Ball expounded upon a litany of accomplis...