satire news – Page 3

What do We Know about Brady’s Hand Injury? Not much after Restraining Order

18Jan

By jeff30 Comments

Sports

What do We Know about Brady’s Hand Injury? Not much after Restraining Order

Our top Sports reporter, Richard Head, lives and dies by the journalistic mantra: "always go straight to the source". At least that's what he told the judge last year before being told to refrain from any contact (physical or otherwise) with one Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., current quarterback for the New England Patriots, and to maintain a 100-yard distance from him at all times. "Yes, it does make it difficult to do my job," Richard told us. "But don't worry, I'll have a full report on Brady's status as soon as ESPN does. I'm gonna live-tweet the sh-- out of their report." After we went ahead and read the latest ESPN update for ourselves, it seems that, "Brady was limited in practice Wednesday because of a right hand injury...He has been on and off the injury report this season ...

White House: “Unlikely Trump said ‘shithole’ because it’s a two-syllable word”

14Jan

By jeff26 Comments

Politics

White House: “Unlikely Trump said ‘shithole’ because it’s a two-syllable word”

White House Press Secretary Raj Shah released a statement yesterday concerning President Trump and his referring to some immigrant countries as "shitholes". Mr. Shah said that it was unlikely that the president used this term since it was a multi-syllabic word--or, according to President Trump, "it had more than one sybable." According to lawmakers who met with the president in the Oval Office last Thursday, Trump used the expression after retiring protections were suggested for immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and some African countries. "The president is fighting for what's best for America," Mr. Shah said emphatically. "And what's best for America is to fight with everyone else." During the discussion, President Trump suggested that America bring in more people from countries th...

10Jan

By jeff23 Comments

Society

Five Myths about Myths

1. Myths actually exist (subtle double/triple meaning not intentional…or was it?). 2. Some myths are perceived as greater or lesser myths based on the author, appropriate contextual language, and frequency of dragons (for the reason why number 2 is a myth please refer to number 1). *As a clarification to number two, in the historical sciences, these myths are termed as Mythy Myths and are more mythy or less mythy based on their score in the official Rubric for Accurately Designating Mythy Myths and Legendary Legends. This has led to such common expressions among scholars as “That’s the mythiest myth I’ve ever come across!” 3. Any jokes or puns used to connect the word “myth” with “miss” are funny. 4. Any jobs related to the study or creation of myths are actual jobs (again...

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think

8Jan

By Jennifer Hollie Bowles34 Comments

U.S.

9 Out of 10 Southerners Aren’t as Stupid as Northerners Think

A shocking new study conducted by the University of BFE in Tallasasaquatchaheely, TX shows that only 10% of Southerners are as stupid as Northerners think--or as Northern teachers tell students in history classes. It turns out that 90% of Southerners do not: 1) Have sex with their cousins or other family members, 2) Think all people that are not white should be slaves or die, 3) Have more than one abandoned vehicle on their properties, 4) Eat only potatoes and pig fat, 5) Wear overalls, 6) Spend most of their time chewing tobacco, or 7) Have rebel flags. Additionally, 90% of Southerners do: 1) Clean their feet, 2) Have running water, and 3) Pass the 3rd grade. The study further revealed that some assumptions about Southerners are 80-90% correct, but these assumptions, according to...

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

6Jan

By Brooke Eliot10 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

Local commuter, Glenn Bekk--not to be confused with Glenn Beck, the conservative radio personality--has been deemed a hero this week as he publicly grasped the concept of “Man Spread”. The heroic effort took place at rush hour, Monday morning. Commuters were astonished to see the effort put into the deed itself. “It was magical,” said one female commuter. “He saw that I was sitting next to him, and he actually gave me the room to exist; I could not be believe it!” Neither could her pet Chihuahua, Mrs. Kernal, who yipped and jumped during the whole interview. An MTA worker who witnessed the event, watched in disbelief. “It's one of those stories that you hear about by the water cooler, but to actually be there - right in the action - man, what an experience,” he stated. “It's almost as i...

Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait

17Dec

By jeff16 Comments

ENTMT

Only thing ‘The Last Jedi’ Needed was a Purple-Haired Laura Dern—Oh Wait

According to every major poll in galaxies near and far, far away, the one thing fans were hoping would finally be added to the Star Wars universe: a purple-haired Laura Dern. And they were not disappointed. With all the acting chops of a Mark Hamill or Chewbacca, Dern brings with her the kind of potential that could create another classic climactic moment, similar to the one where Luke denied his feelings and his father, Lord Vader. "Noooooooooooo!" said one faithful fan and part-time critic of the space saga. "We cannot live without her. From the moment we met her in Jurassic Park (who could ever forget the scene where she says 'run' five times and then screams it as she begins to run?), we knew we couldn't live without her." Some viewers, who have become accustomed to the co...