satire news – Page 27

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

14Jun

By jeff21 Comments

Dictators

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

TRIPOLI, LYBIA—With rumors swirling around the status of the highly anticipated SWAG FEST (Senior World Autocratic Gala and Fashion Event Spectacular in Tripoli) due to ill-timed popular uprisings and subsequent bombing by the West, Lybian leader and dictator debonair Mu’uamar Gaddafi told Iron E-News that the show, “must, and will, go on!” In his speech on opening day, surrounded by other leader/models such as King Hamad of Bahrain, Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov of Turkmenistan, Ali Zadari of Pakistan, and President Saleh of Yemen, Gadhafi celebrated the show’s life and resilience through the best and worst of times. “When Ben-ali and Mubarak cancelled at the last moment, I was afraid we were going to have to postpone. But after receiving so much opposition...

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

12Jun

By jeff14 Comments

Dictators

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

CARACAS–Enigmatic President of Venezuela Hugo Chavez has been recovering at an alarmingly fast pace, and the doctors said that he should be back to “soaring with the condors” very soon. When Iron E-News correspondent Bev Jolt interviewed the president, she was surprised as anyone to find him in this revitalized (and poetic) state. He talked little about his condition but was very eager to share about his renewed life vision–how even the most menial tasks put him in oneness with “our brothers in the animal kingdom.” “I just got a coke like a raccoon,” revealed an ecstatic Chavez. “And before that I peed like a racehorse. Yes, I know many people use that expression, but they use it flippantly and are never one with the racehorse while they urinate–it’s simply horse pee to them and...

Tiger Mom: “Get into Harvard, then Come Tell Me Happy F%#ing Mother’s Day”

22May

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Tiger Mom: “Get into Harvard, then Come Tell Me Happy F%#ing Mother’s Day”

This mother’s day weekend, Yale Law Professor, Amy Chua, co-author of the well-known book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom, is releasing her new book, Tiger Mother’s Day, or, Everyday My Kid’s Not a Giant Waste of Space Day. The book is already drawing a huge response online and is quickly becoming the number one sought after Mother’s Day gift from kids everywhere, especially guilt-ridden underachievers. Mrs. Chua attempts to highlight the aspects of an above average, extremely successful Mother’s Day (or Tiger Mom’s Day) and goes on to contend that this kind of day should be a regular occurrence and not an annual “make-up-for-my-failed-existence” kind of thing. Here are just a couple of nuggets that she has used to help train her own children in understanding the difference: Moth...

U.S. Totally Retains Moral Authority in Lybia

11May

By jeff4 Comments

U.S.

U.S. Totally Retains Moral Authority in Lybia

Iron E-Newswire Official Transcript Mrs. Clinton: Good morning everyone. Can you hear me okay? Well, as some of you may already know, we have begun imposing an arms embargo and unilateral sanctions against Mu’uammar Gaddafi and his regime. The situation in Lybia has come to the point where we feel this action is both justified and entirely necessary, and furthermore, we are confident it will seriously disrupt both his network of operations and his ability to move weapons and forces on the ground. Iron E-News: Mrs. Clinton, this is Mr. Jolt with Iron E-News. Good morning and congratulations to both you and the President. Does this signal a new era for U.S.-Iranian relations? Mrs. Clinton: I’m not sure what you mean. Are you referring to Lybia? Iron E-News: Iran—the arms ...

Ahmadinejad Creates Fascistbook–The Cure for the Lonely Dictator

1Apr

By jeff3 Comments

Dictators

Ahmadinejad Creates Fascistbook–The Cure for the Lonely Dictator

TEHRAN, IRAN – For Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, life as a dictator is starting to take its toll. His answer: FASCISTBOOK. It is quickly becoming a hit with autocrats everywhere. "I love it," Putin put in. "It's almost as beautiful as my body. Almost." In an extremely candid and colorful interview with Iron E-News, the Iranian leader showed us his vulnerable side and talked about how his important position and responsibilities have not come without their costs. “Being a beloved despot is not as easy or glamorous as some might think,” Ahmadinejad revealed. “There are too few leaders who can relate, you know—who do what I do day in and day out. Honestly, it’s lonely at the top of tyranny.” So Mahmoud, while working with Microsoft on his latest censorship programs, created an innovativ...

Charlie Sheen Runs for President of the President of the United States

20Mar

By jeff1 Comment

Celebrities, Politics

Charlie Sheen Runs for President of the President of the United States

NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would run for POTUS (or President of the United States), and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.” Mr. Sheen, no stranger to the spotlight lately, has pounced on the opportunity to see just how far his fame might take him. Even after finding out that POTUS was not a drug and that it meant he would definitely maybe have to work, he said he was still interested. Then, upon hearing that POTUS was the highest office that one could hold on the earth and that it was the next logical step in becoming MOTU (Master of the Universe), he responded immediately with, “Winning!” However, during an exclusive interview with Iron E-News, Mr. Sheen let his ambitious and creative tiger-bra...