satire news – Page 26

Millions of Americans become Nader-haters because it’s Fun to Say

22May

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Millions of Americans become Nader-haters because it’s Fun to Say

Americans all across the contiguous United States have recently jumped on the latest virtual bandwagon: hating presidential candidate Ralph Nader, simply because “hater” rhymes with “Nader”. Iron E-News talked with random people from different states and we were amazed at some of the responses. Bonnie-Luke from Washington said that she had never even heard of Ralph Nader and, beyond that, never dreamed of calling herself a political person, but when she came across the phrase “Nader-Hater” on the worldwide interwebs, she knew she had to align herself with that hilarious tidbit. Terry from California said she was ALOL (almost laughing out loud) when she saw the phrase, and since she hated all politicians anyway, she said it just felt right to hate Nader too. Paul from North Caro...

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

1May

By jeff18 Comments

World

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

EARTH—The third planet from the sun is in serious trouble again and this time it’s not global warming. One week ago, representatives from the law offices of Irony, Mockery, Wit, and Fred notified the blue and green satellite that their client, Mrs. Satire, was officially taking it to court (location still being decided) on charges of plagiarism, intellectual property theft, and conspiracy. Because of our vast connections, Iron E-News was able to obtain an abbreviated list of some of the evidence being presented in the case. We offer it to you for free: The same people that told us it was going to happen in the 1st century, in 1792, in 1988, in 1989, and then (everyone’s personal favorite) in Y2K, are now saying the world will officially end in the year 2012. *Both Hollywood and Ea...

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

15Feb

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

Ron Paul may not seem the most obvious candidate to some but, according to the libertarian’s inner circle, Paul’s strategy for obtaining the White House sometime in the next century is nothing less than golden. The longtime congressman, though lagging behind his conservative counterparts in the Republican primary, sees himself as more of the tortoise than the hare in this race. “Sure, you can use that analogy,” said one of his aides in response to our comment. “Or you can look at it like this: Ron Paul is like a cube of vegetable bullion in hot water. It may take a while to kick in, but once it does–oh sweet victory!” Dr. Paul has been a permanent fixture in modern politics since the 1970′s and has intermittently run for the nation’s highest office since the 80′s. His strong st...

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

22Jan

By jeff25 Comments

Celebrities

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun. “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time. This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No! Baby, baby,...

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

22Sep

By jeff29 Comments

World

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

RIYADH–In a historic step towards equality, Saudi women can now cast their ballot for which men they want to control their lives. Coming on the heels of a similar directive, which allowed women to choose which shade of very black they wanted, this decision has equal implications and even greater value for all involved. The progressive move from the great egalitarian monarch–whether political, conciliatory, or both–is unparalleled in the ultra-conservative kingdom and comes at just the right time. Along with the edict, King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud has attached a clause which requires the woman to drive to the voting place herself which, of course, is illegal and carries a heavy fine or a penalty of 10 lashes. According to his secretary, he thought that the women should hav...

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

15Jun

By jeff24 Comments

Sports

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

MIAMI—A Dallas man was arrested yesterday after Miami police discovered that he had kidnapped and then impersonated Heat star Lebron James during the NBA Finals against the Mavericks earlier this month in what has to be the wildest scheme ever to help the Mavs achieve basketball glory. Apparently it worked. Detectives who opened the case said that they were tipped off by suspicious activity during games four, five, and six of the championship series. “Something was definitely hinkey,” reported Miami detective Jack Emup. “We watched all the games at the station, and we knew something was wrong, but we never would’ve suspected this.” According to police, the man they apprehended played college ball on a division one team, underwent facial reconstructive surgery, and even got the ...