satire news – Page 25

China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins

25Feb

By jeff15 Comments

China

China Responds to Drought–Offers Farmers Free Wood for Coffins

YUNNAN–In the quiet, almost pastoral outskirts of northwest Yunnan, an elderly gentleman sits in the afternoon sun humming a familiar tune and patiently working on his long, rectangular box of wood–or future home, of sorts. The local Chinese government, in response to the longterm drought caused primarily by extensive damming projects, has generously begun to supply farmers with free wood so they, like Ming Xu, can begin to plan for the future. “I retired a few months ago from working the land,” said Ming Xu, “basically because there was no real land to work anymore, and started going stir-crazy inside the house. That’s when my wife told me I needed a hobby; so I decided to try my hand at carpentry.” “Everybody needs a hobby. Everybody (especially when they’re my age) needs someth...

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

17Feb

By jeff22 Comments

Celebrities

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities. In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. If you haven’t heard, we were the ones who gave them these juicy bits: -Lady Gaga to sue Ice Cream Limited for production of ice cream machine strap-on bra (called Malted Mammaries) -Matt Damon takes a really big bite of his cheeseburger (at an Italian restaurant!) -Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan to...

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

22Oct

By jeff24 Comments

Politics

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself. Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. “I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press and are committed to ensuring its protection. To prove it to you, I’ve tasked Chief Justice Holder with heading the investigation. No one is more familiar with the intricacies and complex machinations of Eric than Eric.” According to an anony...

Mitt Romney Adopts Overseas Money–Emotional Reunion at Airport

12Aug

By jeff24 Comments

Politics

Mitt Romney Adopts Overseas Money–Emotional Reunion at Airport

BOSTON--It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons. And as his "precious cargo" emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn't restrain himself. "I'm a dad again!" the proud governor exclaimed jubilantly. "And again. And again. I never thought this day would come but here it is--and here they are!" According to both the government and the Guinness Book of World Records, this is the first time anyone's family has outgrown most countries. "The little guys are still sleeping," whispered the presidential hopeful as he patted their briefcase-like strollers. "Oh look! Some Ben's are up. And a few thousand Grants to...

Mount Olympus now Mount Samsung in Honor of London 2012

20Jul

By jeff2 Comments

Sports

Mount Olympus now Mount Samsung in Honor of London 2012

LONDON--The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games. Other famous names that have come under scrutiny are Nike (the Winged Victory statue will now be called Adidas) and God (who can now only be referred to as The Alpha because of Omega watches). According to the Olympic governing body, the decision was made in the interests of protecting everyone's interests: the games, their partners, and of course, the fans. They also agreed that Samsung, being an official sponsor of the 2012 Olympiad, deserved a reward that would parallel its prodigious generosity and support. "We felt that this decision reflects the overall val...

Stephen Hawking Heralded as the New Ray Bradbury

10Jul

By jeff11 Comments

Sci-Tech

Stephen Hawking Heralded as the New Ray Bradbury

Following the passing of beloved sci-fi writer Ray Bradbury, the genius behind such great works as Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles, many feared there would remain a great void in the fictional universe impossible to fill. But with the release of his latest book, The Grand Design, it seems eminent physicist Stephen Hawking is doing his best to fill those inimitable, red-dusted shoes. Like his predecessor before him, Hawking does a brilliant job of creating worlds with infinite possibilities—free from the restrictive laws of physics—born out of pure imagination. "Mr. Hawking is quite the enigma," reported the New York Times. "We all knew he was a great scientist, but who knew he could create such great science fiction?" Departing from conclusions and insights built on s...