satire news – Page 24

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

10Oct

By jeff11 Comments

Politics

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

Last Tuesday, as Congress remained deadlocked over spending issues, the U.S. government came to a screeching halt. This marked the eighteenth time we’ve had a government shutdown since 1977 and the first time the government hasn’t not shut down since the last time it didn’t shut down. Due to overwhelming concern over what might become of “the hill” and the country in their absence, a last minute vote was issued, and Benjamin Whirly, step-son to a congressman who sincerely wished to remain anonymous, was put “in charge” for the duration of the stalemate. His only condition was that everyone refer to him as “The Gatekeeper” for the rest of his life. “Yeah, I know some people are worried about my work ethic,” The Gatekeeper confessed. “But would a lazy person do this? (holds up un...

Ringmaster Carney Turns Obama Scandals into Fun for the Whole Family

28Sep

By jeff18 Comments

Politics

Ringmaster Carney Turns Obama Scandals into Fun for the Whole Family

In a colorful press conference held at the White House a few days ago, press secretary/circus master Jay Carney lived up to his last name as the Obama scandals piled up like elephants in a circus ring or clowns in a clown car. From Benghazi to the IRS to killing American citizens without trial to Michelle possibly changing her hair again to now this. Mr. Carney began the wildly entertaining event by reminding everyone that the Benghazi exhibition could be viewed in the smaller tent just outside the main arena under the banner “sideshow.” Just as he finished speaking, twenty military drones buzzed the big tent towing banners that read: Progress!! The president arrived with customary flair and, after issuing a brief statement, wowed the audience with his signature disappearing ac...

Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken

21Jun

By jeff14 Comments

Celebrities

Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, forever in the public eye (somewhere between the iris and the cornea), recently announced the birth and name of their daughter. According to our inside sources, the happy couple, because of their aspirations for their daughter to be a global citizen, finally settled on a type of name relating to maps. But, after realizing that their favorites–Longitude, Latitude, and Northern Hemisphere–were taken, they eventually went with her official name, North West. For those who would cry foul and accuse Kim and Kanye of being just another celebrity couple who are parenting their kid for the press and media attention and not actually in the interests of the child, you are obviously not thinking this through. The answer is solidarity. If celebrities start na...

6May

By jeff22 Comments

Politics

DOJBall: In Theaters this Summer!

In theaters now! If you enjoyed Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder). With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. “DOJBall is a hit!” raves New York Times reporter David Sanger. “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and, more importantly, you’ll want to get out there and dodge some justice!” With stellar supporting performances by president Obama and Jay Carney, this film has all the magic of past movies such as “Watergate” and “Contragate”, but hasn’t received near the media hype and attention that it deserves. Neverth...

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

20Mar

By jeff22 Comments

World

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan. And the Inuit couldn’t be happier. Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. “Oh yeah. It’s the yak’s pajamas!” said local fisherman Imnek. “When life gives us lemons, we make glacially iced lemonade. You should try some.” Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel for Climate Change (a branch of the United Nations located in Geneva, Switzerland) are almost unanimous in their consensus as to the chief cause; though a few have noted that the Earth has gone through warming...

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

13Mar

By jeff21 Comments

China

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river. The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at the same time, brought a sigh of relief to a tense and worried urban population. Shanghai’s new mayor, Yang Xiong, assured the city’s residents that this had nothing to do with harmful chemicals or pollutants from China’s environmentally-friendly factories as some have spuriously suggested. Apparently, the spirit pig became insanely jealous with all the attention being lavished on China’s serpentine golden boys–the dragon and dragon junior–and so, obviously, he sacrificed 2,800 willing volunteers to br...