satire news – Page 23

Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight

15May

By jeff10 Comments

Sports

Bench Clearing Brawl Turns into Major Tickle Fight

The Tampa Bay Rays played the Seattle Mariners yesterday and, at one point in the game, things got ugly. Then they got awkward. In the fourth inning, with one man on and two out, the Rays pitcher, David Price, faced Corey Hart. Earlier in the game, Price had already brushed Hart off the plate and it didn't look like he was going to go easy on him this time around either. The two benches, sensing something was up, stood to their feet in anticipation. And sure enough, on the next pitch, Price beamed Hart right in the shoulder as Hart turned to avoid the incoming ball. Before you could say, The Cubs will never win the World Series in a million lifetimes because they are still under a curse that the baseball gods in all their infinite baseball wisdom have yet to lift, the two benches wer...

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

17Apr

By jeff20 Comments

Politics

For Russia, Obama Substitutes Mean ‘Red Line’ for Fun Squiggly Doodle

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions. In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous ‘red line’ drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations. “I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a press conference. “Red lines are so harsh and final–there’s no room to maneuver and no going back (usually). This meandering doodle, however, even though it technically still has ...

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”

12Feb

By jeff26 Comments

Dictators

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”

In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas–a country at war with itself since the early 50s–the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever-mounting nuclear program. Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS! We’ll disarm. We’ll unify. We’ll do whatever you want! Just give us our precious little birdie back!” This reversal came on the heels of a decision by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores. It’s safe to say the reaction he got over his highly pixelated two-dimensional game was…unexpected. Pulling in upwards of 50,000 USD a day through ads and quickly rising to the number one spot in online stores, Flappy Bird took ...

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

10Dec

By jeff20 Comments

Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...

Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf

21Nov

By jeff14 Comments

Sports

Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf

No matter how poor Tiger Woods’ performance is on the course, he still has an uncanny ability to get people everywhere fired up about the sport. Especially white dudes. According to Scarborough Research data and, more recently, Nielsen’s 2013 sports media report, approximately 85-87% of golf fans are white; and of that number, the majority are over 55. These numbers, to many in the golf world, are revealing. But they’re also raising a number of questions for those that follow the sport. The first, and most obvious question, of course, is “How are men from the Caucuses mountains getting TV reception?” And the second, but equally penetrating: “Is golf the only channel?” “Well, yeah, now that you mention it, those numbers can’t be right,” said one TV analyst. ”One would assu...

Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity

20Oct

By jeff18 Comments

Celebrities, Sci-Tech

Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity

A few dozen scientists from the Institute of Research got together last week to examine a mystery that has confounded some of the brightest minds in our society: the popularity of Jessica Simpson’s fluctuating body weight. This groundbreaking research, though focusing specifically on Ms. Simpson, was expected to shed light on the reason behind the public’s continuing obsession over things generally regarded as private. Already gaining notoriety in the scientific community, this is not the first time this group of scientists have worked together on a project of this magnitude. You may recall their work with Beiber’s hair and Lady Gaga’s brain a few years back. The team took fat samples from Ms. Simpson and compared them with samples from three completely unknown and (they were ass...