satire news – Page 22

New “Smokin’ High” Cheetos Revolutionize the Munchies

17Aug

By Mike Chase23 Comments

Society

New “Smokin’ High” Cheetos Revolutionize the Munchies

SEATTLE, WA–Pot brownies are so 20th century. Not since Pert combined shampoo and conditioner in one bottle has there been such a potent mixture: Yesterday, Frito-Lay announced the creation of a new line of marijuana munchies, including Reefer Packed Ruffles (with mystery-substance-laced ridges), Sea Salt and All Kinds of Jacked-Up Lays, Blackout the Sun Chips, Totally Toasted Tostitos, and Smokin’ High Marijuana Cheetos. Hahaha Dude This Crap is Hilarious Funyuns, and I’m Soooo Baked Right Now Baked Lays are still in the works. Armed with the slogan “Bet you can’t eat just one…or hold down a full-time job,” the new Reefer Division of Frito-Lay went to work last night in Seattle, Washington, recruiting a group of 200 volunteers from all walks of life eager to try their product. A...

Thousand Angry Wasp Bucket Challenge not as Popular

13Aug

By jeff15 Comments

Society

Thousand Angry Wasp Bucket Challenge not as Popular

Wasp Bucket Challenge goes viral for all the wrong reasons Due to the overwhelming success of the popular ALS online “ice bucket challenge”, other non-profit organizations have begun proposing their own similar campaigns to generate awareness and support from the public. One particular charity, Save the Wasps of Ichipunininana, has started a campaign called the “thousand angry wasps bucket challenge” in which the participant simply puts a thousand or more poisonous flying insects into a large bucket and then dumps it over his/her head. The true challenge, according to the few who have actually participated–besides getting the wasps to stay in the bucket initially–is to not die afterwards. “Yeah, I made it. Barely,” said one participant through a breathing tube. “My face may loo...

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Because they have to Use Math

24Jun

By jeff13 Comments

Sports

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Because they have to Use Math

Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller. The reason: mathematics. FIFA estimates that millions of fans from various countries and demographics, most of which carry degrees in the humanities, have completely given up on following their national team because it’s hurting their brain. Working out what each team needs to accomplish in order to make one of the top two slots in their group requires more than what many fans have bargained for: basic algebra skills and the ability to foresee and compute countless scenarios. Basically, too much. If you follow a team like Germany or the Netherlands–who will win all or most of their group stage games–you have little to worry about and can have a relaxing, enjoyable World Cup experience. If you’re a fan of a tea...

New Transformers Movie an Intellectual Orgasm

21Jun

By jeff15 Comments

ENTMT

New Transformers Movie an Intellectual Orgasm

New Transformers movie an esoteric vision The early reviews are in, and the fortieth installment of Michael Bay’s epic science fiction saga, Transformers: Age of Extinction, is quickly being hailed as the War and Peace of the silver screen. “Age of Extinction,” writes Desson Howe of the Washington Post, ”plays itself with such contrapuntal richness, it resonates in you forever. Set in an unknown time and space, this extraterrestrial saga of will, destiny and passion--starring Mark Wahlberg (formerly Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch)--is an extraordinary symphony of sound and silence, of lilting pleasure and tangled horror.” “It’s a genuinely epic ciné-poem that deals with flying, transforming robots as an absolute, inevitable and eternal facet of existence,” raves Geoff Andrew of Time ...

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

21Jun

By jeff5 Comments

Sci-Tech, World

Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Now Visible from Space

Spectacular new images of Earth were released by NASA yesterday detailing various aspects of our magnificent blue and green marble. One photo in particular stood out above the rest: a crystal clear shot of billions of carbon molecules in the form of a giant footprint covering most of North America. Scientists would have been completely in the dark as to the owner of the footprint if not for the letters “GORE” on the bottom of the foot. Apparently, what started out as a tiny dot not worth mentioning has turned into one of the greatest marvels in all of human history. And, according to scientists monitoring this man-made phenomena affecting our ozone, Mr. Gore deserves all of the credit. “It’s amazing really,” said one climatologist. “Not only has he eloquently explained to us wh...

Iranian Judge Orders KimYe to Never Ever be in the News Again

28May

By jeff15 Comments

World

Iranian Judge Orders KimYe to Never Ever be in the News Again

Kimye news reaches tipping point for judge Following the logical summons of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg over privacy violations, a high court in southern Iran has issued its second demand in as many days: that the man who calls himself “Yeezus” and his former “internet star” turned bride, Kim Kardashian, shall never ever ever appear before his eyes while he’s watching his nightly news in his nightly jammies (or at any other time for that matter). This isn’t the first time this judge has flexed his judicial powers. Over the years, his excellency has summoned Batman (of course), The Rolling Stones (because he couldn’t get the radio to work), and Chuck Norris (which he deeply regretted). The judge wasn’t available for comment but Sherif Hassananan, an official with the paramilitary B...