Tag: satire news

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen
Sci-Tech

Scientists: “Newton and Galileo were Psychotic”–Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator. “After much deliberation,” the letter begins, “and in the spirit of the age, we feel it necessary to reevaluate our view of “scientists” such as Isaac Newton, Max Planck, (probably Einstein), Galileo, Sir Francis Bacon, Copernicus, etc. etc. Furthermore, we feel intellectually compelled to call men and women who hold ont...
Car Horns Swapped for Human Voices to Minimize Confusion
World

Car Horns Swapped for Human Voices to Minimize Confusion

Cars a lot less horny now, say manufacturers Major car manufacturers announced a change that’s been in the works for some time now—car horns will finally communicate like the rest of the world. This change came as a result of a horribly awkward situation involving a young man who mistakenly waved to a driver after hearing a short, light tap on the horn. Because this staccato-style single tap (at times substituted for the double tap) is used interchangeably for a variety of circumstances—from saying hi to warning someone—this poor youth could hardly be faulted for turning around cheerily and offering a warm ‘how do you do’. The motorist, however, took his kindness for sarcasm and proceeded to lay on his horn while adding one more bird to the fresh spring air. “It’s about time t...
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  Iron E-News is an equal opportunity roaster--we do not discriminate based on politics, gender, or pant-size. If you would like to contribute to Iron E-News, contact the editor at jawannabwitsu@gmail.com and, after reviewing your article, we will get back to you if there's money in it for us. We do not take reposts or consider work being submitted elsewhere.
Christians Caught Celebrating True Meaning of Easter
Religion

Christians Caught Celebrating True Meaning of Easter

Last month during the holiday known to the world as Easter—the holiday of innocent white, fluffy rabbits, decoratively painted eggs, and hordes of smiling children all gathered on plush lawns for The Hunt—a group of Christians were found doing something so bizarre it was almost criminal: they were celebrating Christ. Interestingly enough, the person who stumbled in on the strange service was none other than the Easter Bunny himself.  He recounted the details to us methodically, apparently in a bit of shock. “I had just done three churches so I decided to take a break.  I thought we were going to drink coffee, hear a short message on current events, and then I could help the little tykes hunt for eggs.  But then they started talking about Jesus.  Jesus Christ!” he said with horror.  “...
Luke Racewalker: The Undertold Story
Sports

Luke Racewalker: The Undertold Story

In a tiny, isolated Texas town just west of the Pecos, where the wandering buffalo still roam under great, cloudless skies, one young man’s dream is as big as the state he calls home. His name is Luke Racewalker. His dream: to walk really, really fast. Luke and his manager/trainer, Mr. Opie Shinobi (not their real names), recently released a major VHS documentary spanning Luke’s power-walking beginnings at the local mall all the way up to his preparations for the 2012 Olympic Games, while at the same time paying homage to a sport that gets walkers everywhere fired up. Last week, Iron E-News’ top reporter traveled to the dusty little town to get the story behind the story. “Well, it was first called Luke Racewalker: The Untold Story,” his manager recalled. “But after we started ...
Star Wars 7 Revealed: The Drone Wars
ENTMT, Politics

Star Wars 7 Revealed: The Drone Wars

Star Wars 7 Cast and Title Revealed! “Not long ago, in a galaxy far, far beyond the reach of justice and peace, a strange and bitter conflict arose on the dark and inhospitable planet known as Yemen.” So begins the highly anticipated JJ Abrams continuation of the intergalactic epic, Star Wars; and, along with it, the continuation of a worldwide love affair with Wookies, droids, Ewoks, bounty hunters, and the like. With some of the casting of episode 7 already released, Abrams kept the lead roles and the title of the movie cloaked in mystery…until today. “I’ve had my eye on the president for a while, actually,” the famed director admitted.  ”Politicians are natural actors, which is why so many of them have made the transition from the studio to the hill so seamlessly.” “G-dub w...