Tag: satire news

Olympic Curler now Grateful for Dad’s OCD
Sports

Olympic Curler now Grateful for Dad’s OCD

Olympic curling specialist Arthur P. Luck feels like he was born for this sport. It wasn't always this way though.  Growing up in the heartland of middle America, he had never actually heard of the sport until he was a senior in high school. "I always say I didn't pick curling, it was more like it picked me," Arthur said candidly.  "And, honestly, I feel like I have an unfair advantage over everyone else because I have been training for this my whole life.  Those brooms, they're like an extension of my own hand." Arthur's family couldn't be prouder of what he's become.  But especially his dad. "My boy sure can sweep!" Art's dad beamed.  "He's like a super sweeper - out there cleaning the ice rinks of the world.  At every competition, when he comes over to see us, I always say, 'missed a...
Top Ten Emotional Support Pets
Society

Top Ten Emotional Support Pets

Blob Fish - no explanation necessary. If you have an emotional support animal, you know how great they are.  You also know that dogs are tres passé.  In their stead, people are turning to other more obvious heroes such as the ones below.  Here is the official list of animals that have been scientifically proven to help you recover from mental and emotional distress:
A College Student Considers the Irony of Modern Life
Society

A College Student Considers the Irony of Modern Life

A bunch of lit classes I have to take (because they make you take them if you’re a communications major, even though I don’t see what literature has to do with communication) have books in them talking about all the irony we have in modern life. And even though some guy said 9-11 was the death of irony I noticed there’s still plenty of it around, especially in college. And since my high school counselor Mrs. Gebbershotz said your supposed to make connections between you and the material to be learned, I noticed I have a whole shitload of irony in my life right now, because of breaking up with my girlfriend. But I should try to establish a historical context—well, not about my girlfriend. I met her at a kegger and she was so drunk her friends started calling her “Spring Break,” and slurr...
Research Shows Many, in fact, have Flown over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Religion

Research Shows Many, in fact, have Flown over the Cuckoo’s Nest

It is a misnomer, one that has apparently seeped into the culture’s subconscious, that only one person flew over the cuckoo’s nest. This myth, perpetuated by the 70’s movie classic of the same name, has become so ingrained into our psyche that it is safe to say public perception will never change no matter how much evidence is presented to the contrary. Nevertheless, Iron E-News is here to do its part. Strange birds of all colors, shapes, and sizes, numbering in the billions, have made that fateful journey over the lowly jester’s tree and over the King of fools himself–The Cuckoo--into the darkening sky of intellectual infamy and worldly disgrace. Here are some of the more notable odd birds: Literature Fyodor Dostoevsky – (11 November 1821 – 9 February 1881) was a Rus...
Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity
Politics

Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity

Jeff Sessions impersonator, Timothy Vetts, was arrested at Shady Oaks Retirement Village for public nudity in Bethesda, Maryland this past weekend. Vetts was reported to be “meandering the neighborhood" with the words “No Pot” written in green sharpie across his back.  The incident left witnesses confused. “You mean that wasn’t actually Jeff Sessions? He looked just like Jeff Sessions!” says community member, Mavis Bell. “Sessions shows his ass all the time as Attorney General so I thought this fit the bill. Especially with that "no pot" thing, give me a break! You haven't lived unless you have lit up a old J and watched Jerry Garcia twiddle those beautiful hands all over a Stratocaster”. Meredith Lynch, resident pet hoarder, also didn’t know exactly what to make of what she saw. ...