satire news – Page 18

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

27Feb

By jeff27 Comments

Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We shou...

26Feb

By Bobby Ge23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost

On February 21 of this year, scientists at the Applied Sciences division of Footile Enterprises confirmed that they have lost their newly developed, fully functioning invisibility cloak. This cloak, also termed “IC-Nothing”, took twelve years of research and experimenting to construct and, reportedly, was highly successful at concealing wearers. “This has been a huge shock to the team,” lead designer Gordon Freeman noted. “We spent years on this project. I have no doubt it was our rivals, Black Mesa, who have stolen our work. I plan to have a word with them later.” The invisibility cloak, which consumed $400 million in government-endowed research funds, utilized groundbreaking new technology that allowed light to pass through the cloak virtually undisturbed. “One common percept...

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

25Feb

By jeff37 Comments

Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore. They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

23Feb

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

Scientists with the Smithsonian Institution have stumbled on the find of a lifetime! A species long purported to be extinct–the infamous dodo bird. Though, technically, this particular bird, Anus Coulterus, is suspected to be a cross-breed between a dodo and some kind of cuckoo. Last week, the team was studying a pair of newly transported condor falcons at a local zoo when they happened upon the unpredictable animal. “There we were, walking by the elephant area, when we heard the most God-awful sound,” reported the team leader. “Remember, Laura? You actually said, ‘Oh good Lord! What is that?! It sounds like Satan giving birth to a pterodactyl!” So we went over to investigate and there it was, covered in elephant dung! For some reason, it had been subsisting mostly on the f...

23Feb

By jeff24 Comments

U.S.

Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence

According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved. This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms. “We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police. “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by a weapon. We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.” Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in ...

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

22Feb

By jeff1060 Comments

Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first. And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...