satire news – Page 16

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

8Mar

By jeff16 Comments

World

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

The man you see in the above picture, once labeled by society as looney tunes; once cast aside as fringe material; once mocked as a conspiratorial cuckoo, should not be dismissed or ignored any longer. He is the new normal. "...the illegal leaks! and classifieds! and information! and the illegal leaks! It is a total witch hunt!" "THE MAN had my wires tapped in my tower! Even when he's 'not' here, he's still 'here' You can't see him, but only I see him. He's here right now." "THEY'RE LISTENING!" "Pretty sure--scratch that--definite proof (located in my mind castle) that phones were tapped." "Fake news media (failing @NYTimes @NBCNews @ABC @CNN @CBS) is not my enema, it is the enema of the American people!" "Salem witch hunters!" "I heard THE MAN liked to smoke Sal...

How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published

7Mar

By jeff11 Comments

Society

How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published

In case your only way to self-help has been self-medication, here are a few other ways to feel better about yourself if you are self-published: Burn everything you've ever written and don't ever mention your writing to anyone ever again. Ever. When telling people you're self-published, always mumble the word "self" and say the published part really loudly. And then go right into how you hate your editor and all the changes you have to endure. You won't be lying when you say this because people who are self-published are generally their own editors. Then walk away abruptly so they don't have a chance to ask you any other questions (this will help build your persona). Leave out the word "self" altogether. This also won't be a lie because you are published in some sens...

6Mar

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Clinton on Pence Emails: “Amateur Hour”

Clinton: "A two-year old is better at hiding things" Hillary Rodham Clinton, former U.S. Secretary of State, responded strongly yesterday to revelations concerning current Vice President Mike Pence's use of emails during his time as Indiana Governor. Apparently, Pence used his personal email to conduct state business. "I can't believe the Vice President," Mrs. Clinton offered. "You would think someone in his position would know better, especially after watching me for so long." Though VP Pence has been reluctant to clarify the nature of the emails, which Clinton has commended, a Pence official has confirmed that 13 boxes of emails have been delivered to the Indiana State House. "13! Only 13!" Clinton cried in disbelief. "He should have dumped no less than 1300 boxes so they...

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

5Mar

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Phee Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV? You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece. “A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Phee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and me could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least...

Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard

4Mar

By jeff8 Comments

Sci-Tech

Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard

No brain necessary for even high-level tasks, study shows The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday. Though initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to perform complex tasks at high levels of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a very shocking discovery. The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him. Here are the results: Adam Levine’s Wife Laughed--More on this Story Later Beyonce an...

Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech

3Mar

By jeff11 Comments

Politics

Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech

This week, during his speech to Congress, President Trump set a personal best for consecutive number of words read in one sitting. And just so the Times couldn't refute it, his speech (read from a teleprompter) was recorded for the world, for posterity, and for Trump--to watch and re-watch in between tweeting sessions with Congress. In addition to the reading record, he also set a record for number of near-presidential things to come from his mouth. "Trump is on fire," tweeted one supporter. "This just proves that he is not the fashist dictator that the fake media says he is." "They just got Trumped!" read another tweet. "Look at him all knowlegable and stuffs!" In honor of World Reading Day, the organization has noted the president's accomplishment on their website, outdo...