Tag: satire news

Area Husband Hates it when his Wife Generalizes All the Time
16Mar By jeff6 Comments
Local Man

Area Husband Hates it when his Wife Generalizes All the Time

Late last night, a local husband–known to his friends as probably the kindest and most patient man to ever live–was overheard sharing his pain over a pint at Joe’s Tavern. “Man, my old lady.  She really, really has an exaggeration problem,” he admitted.  “I mean, seriously.  She’s probably the worst exaggerator in the universe.  Or is it ‘best’ exaggerator?  Whatever.  I do something wrong ONE time and it suddenly becomes every time.  “Oh Barney, he never puts the toilet seat down!’ or ‘Oh, Barney, he always criticizes me.’ or ‘That Barney, he always leaves his toenails on my pillow.'” “Mmhmm,” his friends murmured in agreement. “You know those–what are they called?–those hyperbole words?  You know what I’m talking about: always, usually…” “You mean frequency words?” one friend...
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All Birds with Flu Encouraged to Drink Soup, Rest
14Mar By jeff19 Comments
China

All Birds with Flu Encouraged to Drink Soup, Rest

Over the past couple months, a powerful strain of avian flu (H7N9) has resurfaced in parts of China, causing alarm to mother hens everywhere. "Birds are flying the coop in record numbers," one official revealed,  "And we don't want to have to start chasing wild geese again, so we're appealing for calm and encouraging all of our feathered friends to stay at home, drink soup, and rest." But, according to Beijing, this is presenting a real problem. "The birds--especially the chickens--are refusing to eat the right kind of soup, if you know what I mean," Dr. Swan commented.  "Even though one goose has shown dramatic improvement from our recipes, they're still not sure it's also good for the gander." Other tests, however, have been less successful.  Apparently, Chinese officials hav...
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Richard Simmons Found Safe in the 80’s
13Mar By jeff9 Comments
Celebrities

Richard Simmons Found Safe in the 80’s

LAPD Detective Scott Turner and his K-9 partner, Hooch, have allayed the fears of the public mind by confirming that Richard Simmons, comedian and health fitness guru, is indeed alive and well. Police Chief Daryl Gates, former Police Academy instructor, told Iron E! Gossip that officers went to check on Mr. Simmons after it was rumored that he had been kidnapped by a silver DeLorean. "There is no need to worry," Chief Gates said.  "Mr. Simmons is still in his extremely short shorts and rainbow tank top, listening to the Fame soundtrack on repeat." The police, after hearing reports of a possible kidnapping, initially thought they may have to bring in their new crime-eradicating cyborg to save Mr. Simmons; they eventually decided against it, declaring mega-corporations like Omni Con...
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Scientific Revolution Led by Band of Deluded Half-wits
12Mar By jeff17 Comments
Sci-Tech

Scientific Revolution Led by Band of Deluded Half-wits

Modern man, it seems, has been much too generous in his estimation of the supposed “fathers of science.”  Long held to be towering geniuses in multiple fields, recent historical documents have revealed our hidden suspicions: that religious men of the likes of Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Tycho Brahe, Renee Descartes and Francis Bacon (all contemporaries) were — to use the scientific term — idiot nutjobs. Apparently, they could barely string two sentences together. “God, God, science, God, God?” queried Kepler. “No, no.  God, science, Gody-god…God,” answered Bacon. This excerpt (under the chapter heading Dialogue Concerning Two Chief Loons), was found in the recently discovered diary of theologian and pseudo-scientist, Robert Boyle.  It illustrates the true mental state of a g...
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Area Man Asks Wife if She’s on Her Exclamation Point Again
9Mar By jeff11 Comments
Local Man

Area Man Asks Wife if She’s on Her Exclamation Point Again

Local Dallas resident, Eric Naughtbright, was shocked by the punctuation-filled response he received after asking his wife of eight years if she was having her exclamation point again. They had only been married a short time but Eric thought he was making real strides in his ability to understand and communicate with the opposite sex, especially during monthly times of difficulty. Since he had learned very quickly what not to call it, he was taking a new approach.  Needless to say, he's still in the learning stages. "I don't understand," Eric said.  "I mean, why just have a boring old period when you can really make a statement?  I thought it would be empowering." It wasn't. And after seeing the damage he had done, he did his best to salvage his relationship.  And his life. ...
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