satire news – Page 14

25Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Society

BREAKING NEWS: Narcolepsy on the Ri–

--ise, according to new repor----t A---------------------study was released last week detailing a dramatic increase in the number of people who battle with narco---------------------------tics, wait, excuse me, narcolepsy. I'm sure that plenty of people struggle with narcotics too. According to the report, this affects regular people, celebrit---------ies, --------former pre--------- --------sidents (shhh, God can't tell), vice *nod* presidents, new---------------s anchors, ------------------huh? Oh, judges, a------------------ctors and most of China apparently.

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

24Mar

By Brian Ge29 Comments

Celebrities, Sci-Tech

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

On March 22, 2017, Doctor Thomas J. Eckleburg of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was reviewing photographs of the sun--beamed back to Earth from the recently launched fARK space telescope--when he made an astonishing discovery. Staring back at him from each and every photograph with eyes of fierce golden flame was the burning visage of Kanye West. Just as Copernicus before him had once declared the Earth in revolution around a ball of fire known as the Sun, Dr. Eckleburg uncovered that for the 4.5 billion years the world has existed, it has really been centered around what many consider to be the most enlightened mind of human history. “You see, Kanye is often mistakenly believed to have been born in June 8, 1977, when in reality he was, is, and always shall be the ...

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

21Mar

By jeff207 Comments

Society

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill. Jerry opened up to Iron E-News after his class, recounting every gory detail. “I was on Youtube when my dad came in and sat down on my bed,” relayed the younger Fannersgraft. “I was pretty involved in this screaming orange but I could tell that something was up.” Apparently, the day before, Mr. Fannersgraft was watching Juno when he started to notice his wife’s stack of movies (ones his son was allowed to watch for some reason): Grease, Dirty Dancing, Sixteen Candles, Ghost (Ghost for God’s sake!). “When he ca...

Study: Oreo’s Gateway Snack to Harder Snacks

20Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Oreo’s Gateway Snack to Harder Snacks

Oreo's best when crunched up and snorted A study was published a while ago by scientists who are finally focusing on something we care about: the Oreo cookie. Their findings only confirmed what the public has felt down in their guts for some time–something which can best be summed up in the wise words of Mr. Stuart Mackenzie: “They put an addictive chemical in it that makes ya crave it fortnightly!” (should be read in a Scottish accent) Apparently, the ingredients found in the famous American cookie have the same effect on the brain as various addictive drugs such as cocaine and morphine, which explains why some rats were found in the corner putting the creamy center into gram-sized plastic baggies. As soon as the results were released, a statement was issued by the Food and Drug...

18Mar

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

McDonald’s Acknowledges McRegret

McRegret is a very real thing McDonald's CEO, Steve Easterbrook, held a press conference yesterday to finally acknowledge a condition that millions and millions of customers around the globe have had to struggle with for years, sometimes decades: McRegret. Following mounting pressure from the FDA as well as a few civil lawsuits they were facing, the company decided to get ahead of the story and come clean. "We at McDonald's Co. officially recognize what has been confirmed by the American Medical Association and the FDA as a very serious emotional condition--similar to PTSD--that has affected countless numbers of Double and Triple cheeseburger-eaters across our shared planet. And we would like to express our sympathies by giving every customer a free Super Size of Shame on their next v...

Page of Online Ads Mistaken for News Article

17Mar

By jeff29 Comments

Internets

Page of Online Ads Mistaken for News Article

Last week, local news consumer, Burd Lines, mistook a beautifully arranged page of online ads for an actual news article like this one. Apparently, he was browsing through his usual news sites when he came across a hyperlink to an article embedded in another article and decided to click on it. He was pleasantly surprised by the small number of ads he had to sift through, and actually thought there would be much more. Not only this, but after reading over the page of current events in advertising, he felt quite satisfied and lost all desire to continue to his next usual news site.