satire news – Page 12

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

9Apr

By jeff34 Comments

Dictators

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK. Kim Jong Un, the son of the greatest example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography, and Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt was there to tell the tale. “This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame. In fact, we are having a book burning next week. You should come. You will witness Father raise his tribute above the great flames as we all gaze on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AT! HIS! FEEEEEEEET! AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” After thirt...

8Apr

By Tim J. Myers40 Comments

Society

Improved Terms for Known Stuff

As culture changes, language does, too. So must lexicons. Dictionaries of the world, the following are offered for your delight and edification. machina vomitorum: Those "thrill" rides at amusement parks that inspire a terror which can quickly have digestive consequences. genetic freaks: That 0.00001% of the population whose greyhound torsos, giant eyes, and abyssal cheeks qualify them as super-models. the churchmice professions: Teaching or the humanities as careers. In and Out: fast-food-induced diarrhea (which, ironically, never happens at the CA burger chain In and Out). Chichis con Huevos: Hooters Restaurant. Also the answer to a Mexican joke: What do honeymooners have for breakfast? johnshock: One's natural reaction, while sitting in a Port-a-Potty, when a stranger...

6Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Politics

Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.

Trump's mouth possible ground zero An all-points emergency bulletin has been issued by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, calling on all Washington D.C. area response teams to convene with urgency on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Apparently, a yuge sinkhole has been detected in or around the White House residence. "We're closely monitoring the situation," said DC Fire and EMS Chief Gregory Dean. "Not only that, but we're working in tandem with other departments to salvage whomever and whatever we can." According to FEMA, this is without doubt, one of the worst disasters in our nation's history. "Not only is it one of the worst (and we've had some bad ones)," reported acting director of FEMA, Robert Fenton Jr. "it has become so in record time. This is right up there with 2001, '69, a...

Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch to Appear in New Thor Movie

5Apr

By Caleb Canfield19 Comments

ENTMT

Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch to Appear in New Thor Movie

The third installment of the Thor franchise in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is scheduled for release on November 3, 2017. Recently, the character Dr. Stephen Strange, interpreted once again by famous Sherlock actor, Benadryl Chamberpot, has been confirmed to play a significant role as well. Alongside Chris Hemwarts, who plays the titular role, Brainfart Thundersnatch will be making his second appearance as the beloved magician as Thor presumably battles in a gladiator match against The Hulk, played by Mark Buffalo. At the end of 2016’s Doctor Strange, during the post-credits scene—a staple of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)—the Earth’s Sorcerer Supreme hosted Thor and inquired about his half-brother magician, Loki. Though it appeared to tease Benediction’s part in Thor: Ragnarok, i...

5Apr

By jeff14 Comments

Local Man, Religion

Local Man Gives Up Lent for Lent

The religious observance of fasting and prayer known as Lent, which began on Wednesday, March 1 and ends Thursday, April 13, is quickly coming to a close. Observed by many branches of the Christian faithful--from Anglican to Catholic to Lutheran to Methodist and even some Evangelicals--this event is traditionally a time of sacrifice or abstention. That's why this year for Lent, local man, Willy Nihly, is abstaining from Lent. "I felt the best way to observe Lent was to give it up," Willy offered. "I mean, what better way to sacrifice than to sacrifice sacrifice? Or, if I can say it this way, what better way to give up things than to give up giving things up?" This is Willy's twentieth time participating so this year of observing non-observance has presented a unique set of ch...

Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots

4Apr

By jeff26 Comments

World

Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots

The Earth at any given moment (not a soccer game) A report released by the UN has confirmed what environmental and ecological scientists have feared for many years: the tiniest fraction of the Earth’s land surface is overcrowded. Accompanying this alarming report, as well as the innumerable articles picking it up, were equally alarming pictures (like the one above) showing just what the human population looks like at any moment. Anywhere. According to the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry (and many, many more like them), the number one problem plaguing our world at this moment is too many humans. Their answer: less humans. Dr. Charles A. Tan, an ecologist at the college, suggested that 10 million people on the Earth would be the perfect number to solve all of th...