satire news – Page 10

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

2May

By jeff14 Comments

Sports

ESPN is Gonna Need Ed Werder to go Ahead and Come in on Sunday Too

It appears ESPN anchor Ed Werder has been asked to come in on a Saturday. And, if you would believe it, he's gonna have to come in on Sunday too. Yeeeaaah. Mr. Werder has been working for Initech, excuse me, ESPN for 17 years now and it seems he's at the end of his rope. "They've moved my desk four times now," an annoyed Mr. Werder told us repeatedly. "And now they want to move me to a basement in New Orleans? I'm--I'm quitting. I'm going to quit because they've moved my desk four times already and that's not okay. I used to be over by the window, you know." Apparently, the many bosses of the sports network have been looking for ways to downsize. At first, they tried notifying employees via fax but it seems the ****damn fax machine is broken. According to one employee,...

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

1May

By jeff16 Comments

Sci-Tech

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

It's Monday again, otherwise known as Xanax Day, and local lab specimen Ernie 13 is a rat reborn. "Xanaday Xanadu! I feel sooooo good right now," Ernie said with a big grin. "Man, I could go to like ten parties all at once. Yeah, ten parties wrapped in big fat party balls…balls…cheese balls...mmmmm, cheese." "Did you guys hear about the party tonieeeeeeeeeght?!" Ernie asked his fellow contained compadres. "There's no party Ernie," responded Raz 121. "Unless you consider a small rice wafer and electroshock a party, then yes, it's always a party in here." "Yooouuuu guys. You funny funny guys," Ernie went on with a wink (and a bit of redness) in his eye. "That's why I love hanging out with you guys so much - always with the laughs. Do you think Eve 2182 is going to make it ...

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

28Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Local Man

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

Area man, Pat Myas, is a lover of all things Facebook, but his friends on the popular social media site would never know it. According to our sources, Pat has the "annoying" habit of secretly enjoying the things he sees and reads without actually clicking the "like" button. "It's true," revealed one of his friends. "I talked to him the other day and he started going on and on about how he really, really liked something I posted on my timeline. When I confronted him about why he didn't click on the 'like' button he tried to engage in an existential discussion on the increasingly dichotomous nature of our reality! What an asshole." Esteemed internet sociologist, Dr. Harvard Browneye, wrote his doctoral thesis on the subject of Facebook likes and offered valuable insight into such behav...

IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun

25Apr

By jeff23 Comments

Internets

IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun

Local IT worker, Vaughan Johnson, is hard at work on that server issue cat video you asked about last week."Most of my job takes me about five minutes to get done," Vaughan admitted. "The rest is mainly memes and funny videos. Of course, I tell everyone it's going to take much longer because I don't want them to start giving me busy work."His company, Cemen Enterprises, services the needs between the producer and their traders. "Our company fills a small but essential (and overlooked) gap in the market," CEO Alec Smart offered. "We're basically--what's that? Just a sec. Well, get Vaughan in here right away. As you can see, we rely on Vaughan and his team completely. We have no idea what he does or how he does it but whatever it is, it's genius."According to Mr. Johnson, their effici...

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

24Apr

By jeff25 Comments

Sports

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

The United States Men's National Soccer Team is beefing up their defensive strategy in preparations for the 2018 World Cup. By building better walls. The proposition by the current president, Donald Trump, to build a 2,000 mile border wall in between Mexico and the United States has become a source of inspiration to many, including Coach Gary Arenas. "We're trying to make the American team great again," Coach Arenas revealed. "And that's going to happen by building walls. Big, yugemoungous walls are going to keep soccer balls out and keep us in the hunt for the World Cup." According to the team, they have had too many encroachments around their 20-yard box thus instigating the need for a defensive change. "We usually put about four or five guys together to block a free kick...

Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM

22Apr

By jeff22 Comments

Society

Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM

Kentuckian Jim Ballsinger–brother, son, lover, hootenanny coordinator–recently returned from his daily therapy session in seemingly high spirits. We think. “Oh, that’s right, the interview thing,” said Jim, apparently caught off guard by our presence. ”No, it’s perfect timing. Really, no problem. I just need to go take a big dump and I’ll be right with you.” For the next hour, we had a chance to chat with Jim’s family to gain a better perspective on his newly identified social behavior and see how everyone was learning to cope. “That theruhpiss,” Jim’s mother revealed, “Told us that thuh bes’ way to help Jium was fer hium to hug his–whut?! Waddidu say, Larry?! Oh, squuuze me. Embrace (same thang). She told us to help hium “embrace” his passive angryness. Whut?! Well, why ...