satire – Iron E-News

Shanghai Sesame Street Teaches Kids College Level Words

5May

By jeff36 Comments

China

Shanghai Sesame Street Teaches Kids College Level Words

Little Xiao Xiao wakes up every Saturday morning, eats a jian bing, and turns on channel 21. Because Sesame Street is on. "I call the puppets Da Bai (hazmat workers)!" screamed an excited Xiao Xiao. "They teach me so many good English words. Of course, (President) Xi is the one controlling them so I owe all my learning to him. Who knew he was so great at puppetry!" Ernie holds a letter d in his hand and sings while Cookie Monster dines on his dessert of choice. The word of today, of course, is 'draconian', and Xiao Xiao has probably repeated it a million times. According to the Shanghai Education Bureau, children are far more likely to act like adults if they are treated like adults. And adults are not to be trusted to make their own decisions so they must be treated like smaller, youn...

The Obligatory Star Wars Traffic Boosting Article

4May

By jeff36 Comments

ENTMT

The Obligatory Star Wars Traffic Boosting Article

The Last Jedi Star Wars stuff and a little Skywalker too. Some Han Solo, Sand Peeps, and tiny Ewoks totally. Very, very lightsabery battle with a hint of dark side, splash of force, stirred in a Tatooine Vadershake. Yeah, my Star Wars brings all the Lukes to the yard. By my death star, fat Jabba Jabba no talkie talkie to a thousand Jedi masters. Kick back to the jet black double Maul high five to my Jedi blaster…he's a wicked tricky tricksta, yeah the prickly, sickly pimpstah: Yo-duh. Rogue One Star Wars stuff and a little Lukey Luke too. Some Han Solo, Sand Peeps, and tiny Ewoks maybe. Very, very lightsabery battle with a hint of dark side, splash of force, stirred in a Tatooine Vadershake. Yeah, my Star Wars brings all the Wookies to the yard. B...

LinkedIn Tips on How to not Suck at your Job

3Apr

By jeff24 Comments

Internets

LinkedIn Tips on How to not Suck at your Job

Tip #1: Join LinkedIn. Duh. This is probably the most important path to success at your workplace and, we would argue, in your entire life - much more important than working hard, being reliable, etc. Tip #2: Smile a lot. Smiling creates a good impression and is always appropriate, especially when you don't know what you're doing. If you're that person who is generally thought of as incompetent or lazy, smiling will make up for it. Tip #3: Hide everything with good body language. If you're in an interview, and they're asking about certain "glossy" parts of your resume, remain calm, put your hand to your chin, and then, while squinting just a bit, respond with a few steady, pensive head nods. In your mind, whisper "nailed it" over and over. They will be so impressed by your confident ...

Olympic Curler now Grateful for Dad’s OCD

1Mar

By jeff3 Comments

Sports

Olympic Curler now Grateful for Dad’s OCD

Olympic curling specialist Arthur P. Luck feels like he was born for this sport. It wasn't always this way though. Growing up in the heartland of middle America, he had never actually heard of the sport until he was a senior in high school. "I always say I didn't pick curling, it was more like it picked me," Arthur said candidly. "And, honestly, I feel like I have an unfair advantage over everyone else because I have been training for this my whole life. Those brooms, they're like an extension of my own hand." Arthur's family couldn't be prouder of what he's become. But especially his dad. "My boy sure can sweep!" Art's dad beamed. "He's like a super sweeper - out there cleaning the ice rinks of the world. At every competition, when he comes over to see us, I always say, 'missed a...

25Feb

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Top Ten Emotional Support Pets

Blob Fish - no explanation necessary. If you have an emotional support animal, you know how great they are. You also know that dogs are tres passé. In their stead, people are turning to other more obvious heroes such as the ones below. Here is the official list of animals that have been scientifically proven to help you recover from mental and emotional distress:

A College Student Considers the Irony of Modern Life

21Feb

By Tim J. Myers30 Comments

Society

A College Student Considers the Irony of Modern Life

A bunch of lit classes I have to take (because they make you take them if you’re a communications major, even though I don’t see what literature has to do with communication) have books in them talking about all the irony we have in modern life. And even though some guy said 9-11 was the death of irony I noticed there’s still plenty of it around, especially in college. And since my high school counselor Mrs. Gebbershotz said your supposed to make connections between you and the material to be learned, I noticed I have a whole shitload of irony in my life right now, because of breaking up with my girlfriend. But I should try to establish a historical context—well, not about my girlfriend. I met her at a kegger and she was so drunk her friends started calling her “Spring Break,” and slurr...