Tag: humor

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints
17Apr By jeff24 Comments
Local Man

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints

Mort Feebly, assistant manager at Supplies Surprise, is a man who has explored all the subtleties and nuances of the motto: “Work smarter, not harder.”  So, when his boss and sometimes friend, Herbert Sherbert, told the store about an opportunity in corporate, Mort didn’t miss a beat—he put it off until tomorrow. We caught up with him at one of his many stopovers to Krispy Kreme and asked him why he wasn’t busy streamlining his inventory for tomorrow’s visit from corporate. “Let me put it this way: I don’t feel my skill-set is being fully appreciated.  I’ve been looking for a way to show those suits what I can really do under pressure.  Some people call it procrastination, but I’m more of a “glass is half full” kind of guy—I call it being ‘clutch’.” Later, we had a chance to sit d...
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iPhone 8 and Star Wars 8 Released the Same Year!–Coincidence? Probably
10Apr By jeff33 Comments
ENTMT, Sci-Tech

iPhone 8 and Star Wars 8 Released the Same Year!–Coincidence? Probably

iPhone 8 and Star Wars 8 - a "forced" connection? Yes. After extensive online research conducted by this news site and all its related partners and entities, we have officially concluded that there is no connection between the release of Apple's iPhone 8 and the upcoming film, Star Wars 8, other than the number 8. Regardless of the fact that the number eight is extremely auspicious in China, and regardless of the fact that they're both releasing new editions, and that those editions are the eighth one--after seven others--there is no evidence to support this claim. "The argument lacks any force," one fan noted.  "It's superficial and tenuous at best; and may just be a ploy to generate artificial traffic." Nevertheless, because we just added an intern, we contacted Apple Corporat...
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Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments
9Apr By jeff34 Comments
Dictators

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK. Kim Jong Un, the son of the greatest example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography, and Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt was there to tell the tale. “This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame.  In fact, we are having a book burning next week.  You should come.  You will witness Father raise his tribute above the great flames as we all gaze on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AT! HIS! FEEEEEEEET!  AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” After thirt...
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Improved Terms for Known Stuff
8Apr By Tim J. Myers40 Comments
Society

Improved Terms for Known Stuff

As culture changes, language does, too.  So must lexicons. Dictionaries of the world, the following are offered for your delight and edification. machina vomitorum: Those "thrill" rides at amusement parks that inspire a terror which can quickly have digestive consequences. genetic freaks: That 0.00001% of the population whose greyhound torsos, giant eyes, and abyssal cheeks qualify them as super-models. the churchmice professions: Teaching or the humanities as careers. In and Out: fast-food-induced diarrhea (which, ironically, never happens at the CA burger chain In and Out). Chichis con Huevos: Hooters Restaurant. Also the answer to a Mexican joke: What do honeymooners have for breakfast? johnshock: One's natural reaction, while sitting in a Port-a-Potty, when a stranger...
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