humor – Page 5 – Iron E-News

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

31May

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

Local husband David Hornee is concerned. Not about whether the dishes are done or the shower curtain is pulled back or the toilet seat is still up. All that can wait. He's concerned about his relationship. According to David, last night was the fourth night in a row that he and his wife of many years cuddled...and then watched TV. "It's not that I expect anything more to happen after we cuddle," David explained, "it's just that I'm really upset if nothing does." His wife, however, had a different take on their past couple of shared weeks. "It's been great," she said with a smile on her face. "You know, it's so nice to be able to grow closer to one another and have physical touch without any unnecessary expectations, if you know what I mean." Based on a recent study, ...

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

26May

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as "Swamp Butt". SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one's butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves. "The situation is quickly becoming widespread," reported one CDC agent rather gravely. "And honestly, it's a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out." Iron E-News s...

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

24May

By jeff16 Comments

Internets

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

Iron E-News is proud to announce that it has won the coveted Comment Response Award Prize for the first straight year in a row. This award, which has been called the Nobel Peace Prize of the Internet, is only given once a year to the news website that exemplifies the highest standards in both news reporting and website design/performance. However, though this award is actually given to the website that accumulates the greatest number of comments, the former is obviously implied. This year, Iron E-News far surpassed other notable real news websites such as The Onion and Newsbiscuit as well as various fake news sites such as The New York Times and The Washington Post. Here is just a taste of the passion and avid commitment from some of our readers: “good day everyone. i’m looki...

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

20May

By jeff22 Comments

Society

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

The faithful workers at Syrius Enterprises & Technologies Incorporated had little reason to believe that last Friday would prove to be any different than most other “Fundays” (which is what their boss, unfortunately, has named all Fridays)–or that they would be in for the surprise of their humdrum lives. They were wrong. On top of all of this, never would they have imagined in a million years that Dink would be the one to surprise them. Dink Furtlebottom, a seemingly normal human being from great distances was someone who became increasingly eccentric the closer you got to him. A diligent worker and tireless follower– Dink was one who would go around the mountain to avoid even looking at the cart. He took things as they came and happily thought of himself as a tiny yet effic...

12May

By jeff25 Comments

Society

Poll: ‘Your Mom’ is Still Funny

According to a survey conducted by the American Research Society, thirty-something-year old men all over the world are still responding randomly to questions with the phrase, "your mom". And finding it funny. Even after decades of usage, and even after research has shown it to be nearly impossible for "your mom" to be an adequate or appropriate answer to every question, it hasn't seemed to grow tired or old. For example, "What is two times two?" "Your mom." (we know to be incorrect because it's usually four) Or, "What was Einstein's inspiration for the theory of relativity?" "Your mom." (we also know to be untrue since your mom isn't a day over 30) "This juvenile response," the Society reported, "similar to 'bathroom' humor, has amazing comedic resiliency among actual ...

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

10May

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

The teeth speak for themselves. With oil-pulling all the rage now as a teeth-whitener and cleaner, area man Jonas Naughtbright (brother of Eric Naughtbright) prefers to keep things old school. "Jonas has had discoloration of the teeth for years now," revealed his doctor. "It's a serious issue. Yes, of course, he's in a coma to be sure. But, man, you should've seen his teeth a month ago." According to his brother, Jonas saw immediate improvement just one day after using household bleach. "What might take you weeks or months to accomplish with oil-pulling or strips," Eric commented, "Jonas accomplished in 24 hours. His teeth are ivory white--no, wait, toilet seat white." As soon as he comes out of his coma, Jonas is determined to brand his homemade recipe and break into th...