humor – Page 2 – Iron E-News

27Nov

By jeff23 Comments

ENTMT

Pop Music to Add a Third Chord

A representative for Pop Music, formerly a rep for Bubblegum Pop, and before that, Cotton Candy Pop, recently announced a major change for the genre: A new chord. The official, Mr. Brad Lissener, made the announcement in the wake of revelations that World Music was getting rid of one because it had way too many. "Today marks the beginning of a new era for our genre," began Mr. Lissener. "After years and years of making songs that really could all be mashed together into one 2,000 hour-long song, we have decided to increase the number of official, distinct chords to three." Yanni, the current spokesman for his own "genre", saw the move as a step in the right direction: "First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the world for making me: right out of its bea...

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

23Oct

By jeff34 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

Last Saturday morning, as the dawn sloughed off its Chicago overcoat and lifted its red face like a Russian flag on a Florida honeymoon, a hipster hit the streets. And then a parked bus. Arthur Oscar Ramone IX blamed it partly on not having his specs, and partly on the juice jolt iron boxes of the mainstream that pollute our atmospheres and alleyways. "I used to know this guy," Arthur began, "who had rabbit's blood and the face of a Harlem sunset. He only hung with Roundheels and always knew his groceries. Man, that guy knew his groceries. EVERY night was littered with dead soldiers and boiled cabbage. People--mainstreamers--thought his roof was leaking, you know, but he was straight from the fridge. Then he lost his glasses." At this point, we assumed that Arthur had su...

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’

18Oct

By jeff12 Comments

Society

Disgruntled Employee Remembers Early ‘Gruntled Days’

Tom Seether, well into his late thirties now, works at Middlemen Incorporated, a company dedicated to providing services for "middle men". He's disgruntled now. But things weren't always this way. "I remember when I was so new and gruntled," Tom recalled. "So gruntled," he added with a slight sigh. "And that's exactly what I call them now: the good ole gruntled days." We asked his colleagues and they confirmed. "I didn't think an employee could be as gruntled as Tom was," one of his colleagues offered. "His gruntled-ness was almost contagious...almost." "We're the middle men for the middle man industry," Tom said sardonically. "If you have a service that connects the consumer to another service, then we're here to serve your service," he continued, in mocking recitation. ...

Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces

11Oct

By Art Zhang30 Comments

Society

Adidas Alpha Bounce Shoe Able to Help even the Ugliest Faces

Last August, Adidas released its all-new Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra shoes in yet another successful endeavor to exploit social hierarchies based on wealth and athletic ability to make some sweet money. These revolutionary shoes were popularized by social media posts involving several celebrities and athletes wearing them and doing things that serve no other purpose than to highlight their wealth through their expensive shoes. This prompted a craze in the frightfully-faced masses to buy the shoes to draw attention away from their butt-ugly mugs. “I’m really happy with my brand new pair of Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra’s,” local ugly man Max Zhang said. “People used to unfairly judge me by my face. But now that shoes are the biggest thing, they look down at my feet in awe and wonder!” Max Zhang b...

6Oct

By David Plumb24 Comments

U.S.

Airport Security Measures to be Revised

A $100 permit and microchip implant a must for iguana identification? Too many iguanas? Watch out. Iguanas growing to be 6 feet long? May live 20 years? Terrorist iguanas? Never mind iguanas. Forget it. Just take off your shoes and don’t bring too much shampoo or shaving lotion to the airport. Is your pen poison? Are you a little weird in the lips, oddly dressed, say a suit and tie? Well, stand by. No micro chips yet, but we hired a few thousand donkeys at the airports to search our “iguana” for weapons of mass eruption, fondling our parts and bags, dipping into the nothing they so dearly love. Heaven help your orange for lunch. Have a pretzel, a plastic glass of coke. No iguanas on the plane. We double fine iguanas and no gum. A seemingly innocent man in blue suit, b...

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

4Oct

By jeff59 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Accused of Sneezing just for the Attention

Area resident and father of two, Harry Fits, was accused yesterday of sneezing under false pretenses. Initially, neighbors thought nothing of the first two; and according to eye-witnesses, they were willing to wait it out and give him a "God bless you" even after the fifth and sixth one. But when he reached twelve, they had had enough. "Come on," said one angry neighbor in an irritated voice, slowly drawing out each word while rolling her eyes. "Have you ever heard of someone sneezing eighteen times! In a row! It's ridiculous and we shouldn't have to stand for it." Another cul-de-sac comrade said, "It would be one thing if his fraudulent fit were done quietly, but no, he has to scream while doing it too? You know what I'm talking about - those people that feel the need to sca...