humor – Page 18 – Iron E-News

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

22Oct

By jeff24 Comments

Politics

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself. Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. “I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press and are committed to ensuring its protection. To prove it to you, I’ve tasked Chief Justice Holder with heading the investigation. No one is more familiar with the intricacies and complex machinations of Eric than Eric.” According to an anony...

Mount Olympus now Mount Samsung in Honor of London 2012

20Jul

By jeff2 Comments

Sports

Mount Olympus now Mount Samsung in Honor of London 2012

LONDON--The International Olympic Committee announced its plans yesterday to change the name of the historic site of the gods, previously known as Mount Olympus, to Mount Samsung in honor of the upcoming Olympic Games. Other famous names that have come under scrutiny are Nike (the Winged Victory statue will now be called Adidas) and God (who can now only be referred to as The Alpha because of Omega watches). According to the Olympic governing body, the decision was made in the interests of protecting everyone's interests: the games, their partners, and of course, the fans. They also agreed that Samsung, being an official sponsor of the 2012 Olympiad, deserved a reward that would parallel its prodigious generosity and support. "We felt that this decision reflects the overall val...

Millions of Americans become Nader-haters because it’s Fun to Say

22May

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Millions of Americans become Nader-haters because it’s Fun to Say

Americans all across the contiguous United States have recently jumped on the latest virtual bandwagon: hating presidential candidate Ralph Nader, simply because “hater” rhymes with “Nader”. Iron E-News talked with random people from different states and we were amazed at some of the responses. Bonnie-Luke from Washington said that she had never even heard of Ralph Nader and, beyond that, never dreamed of calling herself a political person, but when she came across the phrase “Nader-Hater” on the worldwide interwebs, she knew she had to align herself with that hilarious tidbit. Terry from California said she was ALOL (almost laughing out loud) when she saw the phrase, and since she hated all politicians anyway, she said it just felt right to hate Nader too. Paul from North Caro...

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

1May

By jeff18 Comments

World

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

EARTH—The third planet from the sun is in serious trouble again and this time it’s not global warming. One week ago, representatives from the law offices of Irony, Mockery, Wit, and Fred notified the blue and green satellite that their client, Mrs. Satire, was officially taking it to court (location still being decided) on charges of plagiarism, intellectual property theft, and conspiracy. Because of our vast connections, Iron E-News was able to obtain an abbreviated list of some of the evidence being presented in the case. We offer it to you for free: The same people that told us it was going to happen in the 1st century, in 1792, in 1988, in 1989, and then (everyone’s personal favorite) in Y2K, are now saying the world will officially end in the year 2012. *Both Hollywood and Ea...

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

15Feb

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

Ron Paul may not seem the most obvious candidate to some but, according to the libertarian’s inner circle, Paul’s strategy for obtaining the White House sometime in the next century is nothing less than golden. The longtime congressman, though lagging behind his conservative counterparts in the Republican primary, sees himself as more of the tortoise than the hare in this race. “Sure, you can use that analogy,” said one of his aides in response to our comment. “Or you can look at it like this: Ron Paul is like a cube of vegetable bullion in hot water. It may take a while to kick in, but once it does–oh sweet victory!” Dr. Paul has been a permanent fixture in modern politics since the 1970′s and has intermittently run for the nation’s highest office since the 80′s. His strong st...

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

15Jun

By jeff24 Comments

Sports

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

MIAMI—A Dallas man was arrested yesterday after Miami police discovered that he had kidnapped and then impersonated Heat star Lebron James during the NBA Finals against the Mavericks earlier this month in what has to be the wildest scheme ever to help the Mavs achieve basketball glory. Apparently it worked. Detectives who opened the case said that they were tipped off by suspicious activity during games four, five, and six of the championship series. “Something was definitely hinkey,” reported Miami detective Jack Emup. “We watched all the games at the station, and we knew something was wrong, but we never would’ve suspected this.” According to police, the man they apprehended played college ball on a division one team, underwent facial reconstructive surgery, and even got the ...