Tag: humor

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now
Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...
Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity
Celebrities, Sci-Tech

Scientists Sample Jessica Simpson’s Post-Baby Fat to Understand Source of Popularity

A few dozen scientists from the Institute of Research got together last week to examine a mystery that has confounded some of the brightest minds in our society: the popularity of Jessica Simpson’s fluctuating body weight. This groundbreaking research, though focusing specifically on Ms. Simpson, was expected to shed light on the reason behind the public’s continuing obsession over things generally regarded as private. Already gaining notoriety in the scientific community, this is not the first time this group of scientists have worked together on a project of this magnitude.  You may recall their work with Beiber’s hair and Lady Gaga’s brain a few years back. The team took fat samples from Ms. Simpson and compared them with samples from three completely unknown and (they were ass...
Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown
Politics

Congressional Step-Son Left in Charge During Shutdown

Last Tuesday, as Congress remained deadlocked over spending issues, the U.S. government came to a screeching halt.  This marked the eighteenth time we’ve had a government shutdown since 1977 and the first time the government hasn’t not shut down since the last time it didn’t shut down. Due to overwhelming concern over what might become of “the hill” and the country in their absence, a last minute vote was issued, and Benjamin Whirly, step-son to a congressman who sincerely wished to remain anonymous, was put “in charge” for the duration of the stalemate. His only condition was that everyone refer to him as “The Gatekeeper” for the rest of his life. “Yeah, I know some people are worried about my work ethic,” The Gatekeeper confessed.  “But would a lazy person do this?  (holds up un...
Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken
Celebrities

Kim and Kanye Name Baby “North West” because “Latitude” and “Longitude” Taken

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, forever in the public eye (somewhere between the iris and the cornea), recently announced the birth and name of their daughter. According to our inside sources, the happy couple, because of their aspirations for their daughter to be a global citizen, finally settled on a type of name relating to maps. But, after realizing that their favorites–Longitude, Latitude, and Northern Hemisphere–were taken, they eventually went with her official name, North West. For those who would cry foul and accuse Kim and Kanye of being just another celebrity couple who are parenting their kid for the press and media attention and not actually in the interests of the child, you are obviously not thinking this through. The answer is solidarity.  If celebrities start na...
DOJBall: In Theaters this Summer!
Politics

DOJBall: In Theaters this Summer!

In theaters now! If you enjoyed Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn’s performance in the original 2004 sports comedy, then you are going to love Iron E-Media’s latest release: “DOJBall” (starring Attorney General Eric Holder). With such memorable lines as, “No one makes me police my own policy!” and “If you can dodge justice, you can dodge a ball,” this summer movie is sure to be a classic. “DOJBall is a hit!” raves New York Times reporter David Sanger. “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and, more importantly, you’ll want to get out there and dodge some justice!” With stellar supporting performances by president Obama and Jay Carney, this film has all the magic of past movies such as “Watergate” and “Contragate”, but hasn’t received near the media hype and attention that it deserves. Neverth...
Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say
Celebrities

Sources Close to Celebrity Sources Very Reliable, Sources Say

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities. In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. If you haven’t heard, we were the ones who gave them these juicy bits: -Lady Gaga to sue Ice Cream Limited for production of ice cream machine strap-on bra (called Malted Mammaries) -Matt Damon takes a really big bite of his cheeseburger (at an Italian restaurant!) -Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan to...