Tag: humor

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald
27Feb By Mike Chase34 Comments
Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim.  Can I call you Kim?  It's a girl's name.  Can I still call you that?  I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem.  Great people.  But people with problems.  The problem?  Fake News. CNN?  Garbage.  Fox News?  More like low calorie salad dressing.  The New York Times?  Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart?  Good people.  Good, good people.  I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency.  It'd just be me and some guy in a room.  He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together.  I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that.  My own people.  I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no."  N-O. So I need a solution.  And...
Read More
Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL
27Feb By jeff27 Comments
Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We shou...
Read More
Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost
26Feb By Bobby Ge23 Comments
Sci-Tech

Invisibility Cloak Reported Lost

On February 21 of this year, scientists at the Applied Sciences division of Footile Enterprises confirmed that they have lost their newly developed, fully functioning invisibility cloak. This cloak, also termed “IC-Nothing”, took twelve years of research and experimenting to construct and, reportedly, was highly successful at concealing wearers. “This has been a huge shock to the team,” lead designer Gordon Freeman noted. “We spent years on this project. I have no doubt it was our rivals, Black Mesa, who have stolen our work. I plan to have a word with them later.” The invisibility cloak, which consumed $400 million in government-endowed research funds, utilized groundbreaking new technology that allowed light to pass through the cloak virtually undisturbed. “One common percept...
Read More
Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger
25Feb By jeff37 Comments
Celebrities

Beyonce Pregnancy Photos End World Hunger

All we need is Beyonce In shocking news last week, the United Nations World Food Programme announced an official end to world hunger. The reason: Beyonce's pregnancy photos. "Shocking? Puh-leeeease!" said one irate beehive member in response to how this colossal news is being characterized. "What's so shocking about the Queen solving world problems?! Tell me. I ain't even playing right now." According to the UN (and other programs all over the globe), people no longer feel the desire to eat; or really do anything except stare at Bey. "When we arrive on site to poverty stricken areas," offered one UN doctor, "we are not being met with hordes of hungry people asking for rice or other grains anymore.  They are asking us for Instagram." We interviewed a number of people from various coun...
Read More
Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon
22Feb By jeff1060 Comments
Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first.  And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...
Read More
Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name
22Feb By jeff43 Comments
Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”.  And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not sur...
Read More