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Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

20Feb

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

After more than a century of silence, the Statue of Liberty has finally spoken. Yesterday evening, as the last few tourists climbed her viewing platforms, she shocked the U.S. and the rest of the world when she revealed her ability to communicate. The young girl who spoke to her, however, wasn’t surprised at all. Maria Gonzalez, daughter of two Cuban immigrants who came to America in search of a better life, said she had always wanted to see the iconic statue because of all that she had meant to her parents. And from the moment she arrived in New York harbor, she struck up a conversation with her favorite lady, asking her about her likes and hobbies and if she ever had a boyfriend. It was when she asked her how she was doing, that she actually replied. “Maria was simply too...

18Feb

By jeff20 Comments

Sports

Cleveland Browns Suggest ‘Personal Best’ Bowl Once in a While

In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system. Mr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty. So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog. “It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymo...

17Feb

By jeff25 Comments

ENTMT

Microcosmic Man Tired of Getting Overlooked at Comic-Con

It’s only mid-January but the excitement and anticipation for Comic-Con 2013 is already building. Tights are being cleaned, claws sharpened, tickets purchased, and super-hearts broken. That’s right, humans aren’t the only ones who can get left out of this high-profile, exclusive event. “We may be immune to a lot of things,” offered Micro Man quite candidly. “But not feelings. People don’t really get that. If they would simply stoop down with a high-powered microscope and ask sometime, I’d be glad to tell them. But does that ever happen?” Because we were not too familiar with Microcosmic Man and felt that he deserved a chance to tell his side of things, we sat down with the miniature marvel (though it took a while to find him). “What’s my super power? I basically morph (or, change, for y...

American Youth Discovers Sam Adams More than Just ‘Dead Beer Dude’

17Feb

By jeff34 Comments

U.S.

American Youth Discovers Sam Adams More than Just ‘Dead Beer Dude’

BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have been proud. “The last thing I thought I was going to get that night was a history lesson, if you know what I mean,” Richard revealed. “But leave it to Joe…he’s full of sh– like that. Anyways, there we were, sipping our favorite brewski and I says to Joe, ‘Eh Joe, who was Sam Adams anyways?’ And then Joe–he says to me, ‘You mean the dead beer guy?’ And I says, ‘No, I mean your mom. Of course the dead beer guy.” And then Joe turns to me all serious like and says, ‘Don’t you know anything? He was one of those original Americ...

16Feb

By jeff23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Marine Biologists Discover Unhappy Clam

A small team of researchers exploring and monitoring sea life along the eastern seaboard stumbled upon the rarest of finds last week: one teed off mollusk. According to the team leader, Adai Ver, the clam caught their attention because he was perched alone on the top of a large boulder. “We were pretty shocked when we found him,” recalled Adai. “As far as we know, he’s the only one of his kind.” Our news team had a chance to sit down and talk with George and ask him why he was so perturbed. “Not everybody fits into your neat little stereotypes, you know,” George answered. “This is partly why I’m so upset–don’t just assume that I’m going to be happy because I’m a clam. I’m stuck here on this rock, it smells like seaweed, and I constantly have sand in my mouth. What’s there to be hap...

15Feb

By jeff18 Comments

Internets, Local Man

Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests

To the untrained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world comes across as not only impressive but, as some might say, bordering on showy. One of the woman editors of this paper, upon viewing the young man’s profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth. But the results are in Mr. Crinkler—the veil has been removed, if you will—and it doesn’t look good. According to the younger brother Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his page. Apparently, Brit claims to have upwards of 1,250 friends; and somehow the rest of the world has believed him for over five years. At first glance, this seems to qualify him for some sort of Gui...