funny news – Page 2 – Iron E-News

28Feb

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted. “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically. “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically). Am I righ...

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

28Feb

By jeff26 Comments

Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day. This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends. Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore. Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the...

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

27Feb

By jeff27 Comments

Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We shou...

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

22Feb

By jeff1060 Comments

Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first. And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

22Feb

By jeff43 Comments

Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”. And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not sur...

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

22Feb

By jeff13 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday. And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background. They cried for him. They cried for beauty. They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other. He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now. Homegrown.” “Sweet. Recycled paper?” “Twice.” “Sick. Wanna watch some Bujalski with us tonight?” “Mumblecore!” And as he drank in the warm night–with all its starlit conversation–he thoug...