funny – Iron E-News

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

7Jun

By jeff22 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

A new report released by the Television Scientists of America shows the often overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument by which a human's visual system--the thing that enables us to process visual detail (or in layman's terms, "see")--is maintained and kept in proper operation. It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system, the end result is blindness. Therefore, according to Science, if you don't watch TV you'll go blind. Their research further showed that those who read had ex...

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

1Apr

By jeff12 Comments

Society, U.S.

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

Sorry, I just needed to check my phone A very important research center released a study last week (that we totally read all the way through and enjoyed very much) detailing groundbreaking information on stuff we're pretty sure you need to know. We believe it to be crucial that you make it all the way through this article. According to the findings, most Americans suffer from something similar to this other thing we read about that was really cool. Basically, they put a group of kids into a "waiting room" and observed their behavior without them knowing it (actually sounds kind of creepy as I'm writing it down). Which brings up some interesting ethical questions regarding personal privacy and observing children - questions such as what are the ethical questions regarding persona...

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

30Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

"This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think." Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain. It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him. "In that moment," recounted Mr. Crumbs. "I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right." Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, "Don't bend your fingers," Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over--all with the power of his mind (and all o...

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

29Mar

By jeff20 Comments

World

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest--the place where that "fresh car smell" is born--lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby. And, as you can see from the picture above, this is no ordinary Sylvilagus Floridanus! You may remember him as the star of our award-winning biopic "A Glorious Tail" (previously titled "Can't See the Forest for the Booby" and also just "Booby Bunny: The Life and Times"). Field reporter Bev Jolt, after living among the woodland creatures for 2 years, grew very close to Booby and gained an invaluable insider's perspective. As a follow-up to the biopic, she offers a wildly provocative account of inter-animal relationships and hidden forest drama. "Fake,"...

25Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Society

BREAKING NEWS: Narcolepsy on the Ri–

--ise, according to new repor----t A---------------------study was released last week detailing a dramatic increase in the number of people who battle with narco---------------------------tics, wait, excuse me, narcolepsy. I'm sure that plenty of people struggle with narcotics too. According to the report, this affects regular people, celebrit---------ies, --------former pre--------- --------sidents (shhh, God can't tell), vice *nod* presidents, new---------------s anchors, ------------------huh? Oh, judges, a------------------ctors and most of China apparently.

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

24Mar

By Brian Ge29 Comments

Celebrities, Sci-Tech

NASA Scientists Confirm World does Revolve around Kanye West

On March 22, 2017, Doctor Thomas J. Eckleburg of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was reviewing photographs of the sun--beamed back to Earth from the recently launched fARK space telescope--when he made an astonishing discovery. Staring back at him from each and every photograph with eyes of fierce golden flame was the burning visage of Kanye West. Just as Copernicus before him had once declared the Earth in revolution around a ball of fire known as the Sun, Dr. Eckleburg uncovered that for the 4.5 billion years the world has existed, it has really been centered around what many consider to be the most enlightened mind of human history. “You see, Kanye is often mistakenly believed to have been born in June 8, 1977, when in reality he was, is, and always shall be the ...