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Christians Caught Celebrating True Meaning of Easter

23May

By jeff14 Comments

Religion

Christians Caught Celebrating True Meaning of Easter

Last month during the holiday known to the world as Easter—the holiday of innocent white, fluffy rabbits, decoratively painted eggs, and hordes of smiling children all gathered on plush lawns for The Hunt—a group of Christians were found doing something so bizarre it was almost criminal: they were celebrating Christ. Interestingly enough, the person who stumbled in on the strange service was none other than the Easter Bunny himself. He recounted the details to us methodically, apparently in a bit of shock. “I had just done three churches so I decided to take a break. I thought we were going to drink coffee, hear a short message on current events, and then I could help the little tykes hunt for eggs. But then they started talking about Jesus. Jesus Christ!” he said with horror. “...

23Feb

By jeff16 Comments

Sports

Luke Racewalker: The Undertold Story

In a tiny, isolated Texas town just west of the Pecos, where the wandering buffalo still roam under great, cloudless skies, one young man’s dream is as big as the state he calls home. His name is Luke Racewalker. His dream: to walk really, really fast. Luke and his manager/trainer, Mr. Opie Shinobi (not their real names), recently released a major VHS documentary spanning Luke’s power-walking beginnings at the local mall all the way up to his preparations for the 2012 Olympic Games, while at the same time paying homage to a sport that gets walkers everywhere fired up. Last week, Iron E-News’ top reporter traveled to the dusty little town to get the story behind the story. “Well, it was first called Luke Racewalker: The Untold Story,” his manager recalled. “But after we started ...

6Nov

By jeff23 Comments

ENTMT, Politics

Star Wars 7 Revealed: The Drone Wars

Star Wars 7 Cast and Title Revealed! “Not long ago, in a galaxy far, far beyond the reach of justice and peace, a strange and bitter conflict arose on the dark and inhospitable planet known as Yemen.” So begins the highly anticipated JJ Abrams continuation of the intergalactic epic, Star Wars; and, along with it, the continuation of a worldwide love affair with Wookies, droids, Ewoks, bounty hunters, and the like. With some of the casting of episode 7 already released, Abrams kept the lead roles and the title of the movie cloaked in mystery…until today. “I’ve had my eye on the president for a while, actually,” the famed director admitted. ”Politicians are natural actors, which is why so many of them have made the transition from the studio to the hill so seamlessly.” “G-dub w...

New “Smokin’ High” Cheetos Revolutionize the Munchies

17Aug

By Mike Chase23 Comments

Society

New “Smokin’ High” Cheetos Revolutionize the Munchies

SEATTLE, WA–Pot brownies are so 20th century. Not since Pert combined shampoo and conditioner in one bottle has there been such a potent mixture: Yesterday, Frito-Lay announced the creation of a new line of marijuana munchies, including Reefer Packed Ruffles (with mystery-substance-laced ridges), Sea Salt and All Kinds of Jacked-Up Lays, Blackout the Sun Chips, Totally Toasted Tostitos, and Smokin’ High Marijuana Cheetos. Hahaha Dude This Crap is Hilarious Funyuns, and I’m Soooo Baked Right Now Baked Lays are still in the works. Armed with the slogan “Bet you can’t eat just one…or hold down a full-time job,” the new Reefer Division of Frito-Lay went to work last night in Seattle, Washington, recruiting a group of 200 volunteers from all walks of life eager to try their product. A...

Thousand Angry Wasp Bucket Challenge not as Popular

13Aug

By jeff15 Comments

Society

Thousand Angry Wasp Bucket Challenge not as Popular

Wasp Bucket Challenge goes viral for all the wrong reasons Due to the overwhelming success of the popular ALS online “ice bucket challenge”, other non-profit organizations have begun proposing their own similar campaigns to generate awareness and support from the public. One particular charity, Save the Wasps of Ichipunininana, has started a campaign called the “thousand angry wasps bucket challenge” in which the participant simply puts a thousand or more poisonous flying insects into a large bucket and then dumps it over his/her head. The true challenge, according to the few who have actually participated–besides getting the wasps to stay in the bucket initially–is to not die afterwards. “Yeah, I made it. Barely,” said one participant through a breathing tube. “My face may loo...

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Because they have to Use Math

24Jun

By jeff13 Comments

Sports

World Cup Hemorrhaging Fans Because they have to Use Math

Every four years, the World Cup fan base gets smaller and smaller. The reason: mathematics. FIFA estimates that millions of fans from various countries and demographics, most of which carry degrees in the humanities, have completely given up on following their national team because it’s hurting their brain. Working out what each team needs to accomplish in order to make one of the top two slots in their group requires more than what many fans have bargained for: basic algebra skills and the ability to foresee and compute countless scenarios. Basically, too much. If you follow a team like Germany or the Netherlands–who will win all or most of their group stage games–you have little to worry about and can have a relaxing, enjoyable World Cup experience. If you’re a fan of a tea...