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Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

22Feb

By jeff43 Comments

Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”. And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not sur...

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

22Feb

By jeff13 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday. And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background. They cried for him. They cried for beauty. They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other. He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now. Homegrown.” “Sweet. Recycled paper?” “Twice.” “Sick. Wanna watch some Bujalski with us tonight?” “Mumblecore!” And as he drank in the warm night–with all its starlit conversation–he thoug...

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

21Feb

By jeff19 Comments

Sci-Tech

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

A new study was published yesterday in the Journal of Food Science and Technology by a collaboration of food scientists on the dangers of better living conditions for animals who are used as a food resource. The article illustrates an alarming trend in the attitudes of poultry, pig, and cow and shows that they have gone from being content with their lot in life to actually expecting better food, open spaces, and even random hugs and kisses. "There is a direct correlation between the animals' increasingly sedentary and cushy lives and their change in attitudes," reported food scientist Dr. Ino Beder. "Normally, we wouldn't be so worried, but we actually had a pig force us to pet it for about an hour the other day. It's getting a little ridiculous." This study was not lost on some of th...

Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

20Feb

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

Statue of Liberty Speaks: “My Arm’s Tired”

After more than a century of silence, the Statue of Liberty has finally spoken. Yesterday evening, as the last few tourists climbed her viewing platforms, she shocked the U.S. and the rest of the world when she revealed her ability to communicate. The young girl who spoke to her, however, wasn’t surprised at all. Maria Gonzalez, daughter of two Cuban immigrants who came to America in search of a better life, said she had always wanted to see the iconic statue because of all that she had meant to her parents. And from the moment she arrived in New York harbor, she struck up a conversation with her favorite lady, asking her about her likes and hobbies and if she ever had a boyfriend. It was when she asked her how she was doing, that she actually replied. “Maria was simply too...

18Feb

By jeff20 Comments

Sports

Cleveland Browns Suggest ‘Personal Best’ Bowl Once in a While

In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about a proposal to restructure the league’s reward system. Mr. Haslam felt that the NFL too often reflects the negative aspects of competitive capitalism in that the rich teams are usually rewarded simply for being rich while the poor teams tend to languish in their poverty. So, instead of opting for Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested an American alternative: straight up charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the celebration of mediocrity and the love for the underdog. “It’ll be like attending your sister’s 5th grade graduation,” an anonymo...

17Feb

By jeff25 Comments

ENTMT

Microcosmic Man Tired of Getting Overlooked at Comic-Con

It’s only mid-January but the excitement and anticipation for Comic-Con 2013 is already building. Tights are being cleaned, claws sharpened, tickets purchased, and super-hearts broken. That’s right, humans aren’t the only ones who can get left out of this high-profile, exclusive event. “We may be immune to a lot of things,” offered Micro Man quite candidly. “But not feelings. People don’t really get that. If they would simply stoop down with a high-powered microscope and ask sometime, I’d be glad to tell them. But does that ever happen?” Because we were not too familiar with Microcosmic Man and felt that he deserved a chance to tell his side of things, we sat down with the miniature marvel (though it took a while to find him). “What’s my super power? I basically morph (or, change, for y...