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Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

Congressman Zinke ready to decorate the sh*t out of stuff Montana Representative Ryan Zinke was given the senatorial "green light" to take on a job of timely importance: redecorating the White House. His official title, Decorator of the Interior, makes him primarily responsible for Trump's cabinet. "My immediate priority will be to focus on the cabinet," revealed Congressman Zinke. "First of all, why is there only one? The White House is huge. We could definitely fit more. Second of all, we could probably afford a new one. I've seen the budget." Originally, the panel were considering the famous team consisting of Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Kyan Douglas, and Thom Filicia for the job but voted no because they felt Trump and the team wouldn't see eye to eye. Besides his main...

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

U.S.

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

NEW YORK—Bank of America Corp. launched its new and improved "honesty campaign" yesterday as part of a nationwide strategy to win back its soul. To solidify their commitment to the campaign, lawyers for the worldwide entity have been commissioned to change the official name of the bank to Bend Over America. Coinciding with this momentous achievement is BofA's ingenious "Ram-You-In-The-Rear" Automated Teller Machine. Or, in the words of their new slogan: "Why lose your money when you can lose your dignity as well? Come bank with us!" According to the designers of the original prototype, the customer, upon entering the ATM, receives his/her payment in "full" while images of corporate bigwigs laugh and dance on the screen in a fun, kaleidoscope of colors. "Basically, we're tired...

1Mar

By jeff10 Comments

U.S.

US Kids Say they Would Happily Read More Videos

A recent survey conducted by the people at Gallup reveals that 10 out of 10 students would read a book everyday if it were converted into video format (or, at the very least, into a thread of compelling GIF files). They even said that they wouldn’t mind helping the adults with the conversion process since they usually had to help mom and dad and the grandparents with computer stuff anyway. We talked to a few kids about the popular PBS TV series, Reading Rainbow, to get their thoughts on the program and the importance of reading. “A TV show about reading? Isn’t that encouraging kids to watch TV and not read books?” one smart aleck kid asked. “I mean, if you want us to read books, why do you keep making TV shows for us to watch?” Another kid, local know-it-all, Katy Mc...

28Feb

By jeff21 Comments

U.S.

Grammarian Exposes Dangling Participle

Grammar specialist and former Literary Arts professor, Dr. Graham Hurnotzy, was the subject of a major academic inquest last year following the horrid scandal of an exposed participle during a faculty get-together gone wild. According to his colleagues, Dr. Hurnotzy got a bit rambunctious after their quiz bowl win and lost all sense of propriety. “I just don’t know what he was thinking,” one tenured professor admitted. “It was shocking, really.” Dangling out there for the whole world to see, the good Dr. claimed that it was all a misunderstanding and that he was merely showing them what not to do when constructing their sentences. “Uhuh, right,” responded another faculty member quite skeptically. “And participial phrases don’t need gerunds (chuckles sarcastically). Am I righ...

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

28Feb

By jeff26 Comments

Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day. This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends. Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore. Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of the...

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

27Feb

By Mike Chase34 Comments

Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim. Can I call you Kim? It's a girl's name. Can I still call you that? I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem. Great people. But people with problems. The problem? Fake News. CNN? Garbage. Fox News? More like low calorie salad dressing. The New York Times? Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart? Good people. Good, good people. I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency. It'd just be me and some guy in a room. He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together. I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that. My own people. I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no." N-O. So I need a solution. And...