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Study: Oreo’s Gateway Snack to Harder Snacks

20Mar

By jeff14 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Oreo’s Gateway Snack to Harder Snacks

Oreo's best when crunched up and snorted A study was published a while ago by scientists who are finally focusing on something we care about: the Oreo cookie. Their findings only confirmed what the public has felt down in their guts for some time–something which can best be summed up in the wise words of Mr. Stuart Mackenzie: “They put an addictive chemical in it that makes ya crave it fortnightly!” (should be read in a Scottish accent) Apparently, the ingredients found in the famous American cookie have the same effect on the brain as various addictive drugs such as cocaine and morphine, which explains why some rats were found in the corner putting the creamy center into gram-sized plastic baggies. As soon as the results were released, a statement was issued by the Food and Drug...

18Mar

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

McDonald’s Acknowledges McRegret

McRegret is a very real thing McDonald's CEO, Steve Easterbrook, held a press conference yesterday to finally acknowledge a condition that millions and millions of customers around the globe have had to struggle with for years, sometimes decades: McRegret. Following mounting pressure from the FDA as well as a few civil lawsuits they were facing, the company decided to get ahead of the story and come clean. "We at McDonald's Co. officially recognize what has been confirmed by the American Medical Association and the FDA as a very serious emotional condition--similar to PTSD--that has affected countless numbers of Double and Triple cheeseburger-eaters across our shared planet. And we would like to express our sympathies by giving every customer a free Super Size of Shame on their next v...

Page of Online Ads Mistaken for News Article

17Mar

By jeff29 Comments

Internets

Page of Online Ads Mistaken for News Article

Last week, local news consumer, Burd Lines, mistook a beautifully arranged page of online ads for an actual news article like this one. Apparently, he was browsing through his usual news sites when he came across a hyperlink to an article embedded in another article and decided to click on it. He was pleasantly surprised by the small number of ads he had to sift through, and actually thought there would be much more. Not only this, but after reading over the page of current events in advertising, he felt quite satisfied and lost all desire to continue to his next usual news site.

Area Husband Hates it when his Wife Generalizes All the Time

16Mar

By jeff6 Comments

Local Man

Area Husband Hates it when his Wife Generalizes All the Time

Late last night, a local husband–known to his friends as probably the kindest and most patient man to ever live–was overheard sharing his pain over a pint at Joe’s Tavern. “Man, my old lady. She really, really has an exaggeration problem,” he admitted. “I mean, seriously. She’s probably the worst exaggerator in the universe. Or is it ‘best’ exaggerator? Whatever. I do something wrong ONE time and it suddenly becomes every time. “Oh Barney, he never puts the toilet seat down!’ or ‘Oh, Barney, he always criticizes me.’ or ‘That Barney, he always leaves his toenails on my pillow.'” “Mmhmm,” his friends murmured in agreement. “You know those–what are they called?–those hyperbole words? You know what I’m talking about: always, usually…” “You mean frequency words?” one friend...

All Birds with Flu Encouraged to Drink Soup, Rest

14Mar

By jeff19 Comments

China

All Birds with Flu Encouraged to Drink Soup, Rest

Over the past couple months, a powerful strain of avian flu (H7N9) has resurfaced in parts of China, causing alarm to mother hens everywhere. "Birds are flying the coop in record numbers," one official revealed, "And we don't want to have to start chasing wild geese again, so we're appealing for calm and encouraging all of our feathered friends to stay at home, drink soup, and rest." But, according to Beijing, this is presenting a real problem. "The birds--especially the chickens--are refusing to eat the right kind of soup, if you know what I mean," Dr. Swan commented. "Even though one goose has shown dramatic improvement from our recipes, they're still not sure it's also good for the gander." Other tests, however, have been less successful. Apparently, Chinese officials hav...

13Mar

By jeff9 Comments

Celebrities

Richard Simmons Found Safe in the 80’s

LAPD Detective Scott Turner and his K-9 partner, Hooch, have allayed the fears of the public mind by confirming that Richard Simmons, comedian and health fitness guru, is indeed alive and well. Police Chief Daryl Gates, former Police Academy instructor, told Iron E! Gossip that officers went to check on Mr. Simmons after it was rumored that he had been kidnapped by a silver DeLorean. "There is no need to worry," Chief Gates said. "Mr. Simmons is still in his extremely short shorts and rainbow tank top, listening to the Fame soundtrack on repeat." The police, after hearing reports of a possible kidnapping, initially thought they may have to bring in their new crime-eradicating cyborg to save Mr. Simmons; they eventually decided against it, declaring mega-corporations like Omni Con...