fake news – Iron E-News

DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals

12Jul

By jeff25 Comments

ENTMT

DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals

It pays to be a good guy. On the heels of big time advertisement campaigns starring iconic superheroes like Spiderman, The Hulk, Superman, Iron Man, etc. the union officially representing the villains of DC and Marvel released the statement of the century yesterday. “In the interests of our clients, the DCU, MU, and the world at large, we–the ones callously labeled as ‘bad guys’–would like to announce our complete resignation (in perpetuity) from any and all evil plots, plans, schemes, etc. that would (directly or indirectly) cause the harm and/or destruction of the planet, humans, and…well…yeah, we guess superheroes, too.” This shocking announcement has left their respective universes reeling in disbelief and the response–from superheroes more than anyone–has been one of complete...

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

7Jul

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

World-wide self-acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/editor/writer/artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar. “That’s right,” Mark said. “No more spontaneous multiple hand-washings or spur-of-the-moment quadruple checking of appliances–if I’m gonna flip the light on and off ten times, it’s going in the planner.” “Unbelievable. Why didn’t I think of this before? If I wanna plan out my day, I plan that in advance. And if I want to plan out the pre-plan a bit? You got it–right in the planner. Oh, and any off-the-cuff planning parties? Just penciled in informally (any day between Tuesday and Thursday). I’m a whole person again!”...

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

2Jun

By jeff20 Comments

World

World’s Smartest Ape not Making Headway on Whole Poo-eating Thing

Kanzi, the world’s most intelligent animal, sits inside his sunlit cage, dreaming of poo. This very special bonobo ape lives in Des Moines, Iowa under the watchful care of scientists with the Great Ape Trust, where he spends his days making fires, communicating through computerized pictograms, and, now and again, snacking on choice dumps. Though trained by intelligent, higher-order mammals, the things this chimp has learned is nothing short of astonishing. Kanzi is the brother to another special ape Panbanisha, who died in 2012 of symptoms related to a cold–possibly due to poor care from the woman who used to train them, Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh. Though she was later reinstated because of her uncanny connection with the animal kingdom–from hearing the first puppy speak English to ...

12May

By jeff25 Comments

Society

Poll: ‘Your Mom’ is Still Funny

According to a survey conducted by the American Research Society, thirty-something-year old men all over the world are still responding randomly to questions with the phrase, "your mom". And finding it funny. Even after decades of usage, and even after research has shown it to be nearly impossible for "your mom" to be an adequate or appropriate answer to every question, it hasn't seemed to grow tired or old. For example, "What is two times two?" "Your mom." (we know to be incorrect because it's usually four) Or, "What was Einstein's inspiration for the theory of relativity?" "Your mom." (we also know to be untrue since your mom isn't a day over 30) "This juvenile response," the Society reported, "similar to 'bathroom' humor, has amazing comedic resiliency among actual ...

6Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Politics

Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.

Trump's mouth possible ground zero An all-points emergency bulletin has been issued by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, calling on all Washington D.C. area response teams to convene with urgency on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Apparently, a yuge sinkhole has been detected in or around the White House residence. "We're closely monitoring the situation," said DC Fire and EMS Chief Gregory Dean. "Not only that, but we're working in tandem with other departments to salvage whomever and whatever we can." According to FEMA, this is without doubt, one of the worst disasters in our nation's history. "Not only is it one of the worst (and we've had some bad ones)," reported acting director of FEMA, Robert Fenton Jr. "it has become so in record time. This is right up there with 2001, '69, a...

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

21Mar

By jeff207 Comments

Society

Years Later, Son Realizes Awkward Conversation with Dad Something Much More Ominous

Jerry Fannersgraft was sitting in his college Bio class when, out of the blue, it dawned on him: That one time his dad came into his room sweaty and disheveled, muttering something about The Lion King was in fact “The Sex Talk”. Immediately after this thought, he felt quite ill. Jerry opened up to Iron E-News after his class, recounting every gory detail. “I was on Youtube when my dad came in and sat down on my bed,” relayed the younger Fannersgraft. “I was pretty involved in this screaming orange but I could tell that something was up.” Apparently, the day before, Mr. Fannersgraft was watching Juno when he started to notice his wife’s stack of movies (ones his son was allowed to watch for some reason): Grease, Dirty Dancing, Sixteen Candles, Ghost (Ghost for God’s sake!). “When he ca...