Tag: donald trump

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy
Politics

Trump No Longer Considered Subject of Satire due to Extreme Redundancy

Satirical papers across the country are announcing that President Trump will no longer be considered a target of ridicule and general lampooning because, according to them, "it's getting old". "It's a Catch-22, really," said one Onion editor. "There's so much material there, but there's no more story, if you know what I mean. He's the perfect subject for satire, but also the worst. Every time he does something, we're realizing that it looks all too familiar - as if it's been done and written about ad nauseam." Most sites are admitting that their current stories on the president are mostly links to old stories referencing previous behavior. "I used to listen to the Weezer blue album on repeat back in high school," offered one writer for Iron-E News, "and I'm sure it drove my pare...
Women Losing Interest in Equality with Men
Politics, Society

Women Losing Interest in Equality with Men

Self-respecting women all over the globe are giving up their struggle for equality with men, and are now fighting for something - anything - else. It seems that the newest addition to the Oval Office is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. "We're okay with inequality now," said Republican Senator from Maine, Susan Collins, while watching a recent presidential address. "No, really, we don't mind. It's time we raise our standard anyway." Former first lady Barbara Bush had a similar, almost visceral, reaction: "If equality means being considered equivalent to that (holding up a picture of Trump) then we don't want it." "I agree," commented the former governor of New Jersey, Christine Todd Whitman.  "Equality is now an offensive term - from a mathematical point of view, we...
USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks
Sports

USMNT to Build ‘Trump Wall’ to Keep Out All Free Kicks

The United States Men's National Soccer Team is beefing up their defensive strategy in preparations for the 2018 World Cup. By building better walls. The proposition by the current president, Donald Trump, to build a 2,000 mile border wall in between Mexico and the United States has become a source of inspiration to many, including Coach Gary Arenas. "We're trying to make the American team great again," Coach Arenas revealed.  "And that's going to happen by building walls. Big, yugemoungous walls are going to keep soccer balls out and keep us in the hunt for the World Cup." According to the team, they have had too many encroachments around their 20-yard box thus instigating the need for a defensive change. "We usually put about four or five guys together to block a free kick...
Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.
Politics

Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.

Trump's mouth possible ground zero An all-points emergency bulletin has been issued by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, calling on all Washington D.C. area response teams to convene with urgency on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Apparently, a yuge sinkhole has been detected in or around the White House residence. "We're closely monitoring the situation," said DC Fire and EMS Chief Gregory Dean.  "Not only that, but we're working in tandem with other departments to salvage whomever and whatever we can." According to FEMA, this is without doubt, one of the worst disasters in our nation's history. "Not only is it one of the worst (and we've had some bad ones)," reported acting director of FEMA, Robert Fenton Jr.  "it has become so in record time.  This is right up there with 2001, '69, a...
Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day
World

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

The man you see in the above picture, once labeled by society as looney tunes; once cast aside as fringe material; once mocked as a conspiratorial cuckoo, should not be dismissed or ignored any longer. He is the new normal. "...the illegal leaks! and classifieds! and information! and the illegal leaks!  It is a total witch hunt!" "THE MAN had my wires tapped in my tower! Even when he's 'not' here, he's still 'here'  You can't see him, but only I see him.  He's here right now." "THEY'RE LISTENING!" "Pretty sure--scratch that--definite proof (located in my mind castle) that phones were tapped." "Fake news media (failing @NYTimes @NBCNews @ABC @CNN @CBS) is not my enema, it is the enema of the American people!" "Salem witch hunters!" "I heard THE MAN liked to smoke Sal...
Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism
World

Satire Accuses the Real World of Plagiarism

EARTH—The third planet from the sun is in serious trouble again and this time it’s not global warming. One week ago, representatives from the law offices of Irony, Mockery, Wit, and Fred notified the blue and green satellite that their client, Mrs. Satire, was officially taking it to court (location still being decided) on charges of plagiarism, intellectual property theft, and conspiracy. Because of our vast connections, Iron E-News was able to obtain an abbreviated list of some of the evidence being presented in the case. We offer it to you for free: The same people that told us it was going to happen in the 1st century, in 1792, in 1988, in 1989, and then (everyone’s personal favorite) in Y2K, are now saying the world will officially end in the year 2012. *Both Hollywood and Ea...